ariane & kids

Family Pictures 2011

2011-11-02T22:20:00.000-07:00

I figured it was finally time to get family pictures done of me and my kiddles. We went to FotoFly in Draper based on the recommendation of my friend, Teri Fronk. We had such a great experience. It was fun, the photographer was amazing with my kids, and it didn't take forever. I love almost all the photos. These are definitely keepers because they mark this new chapter in our lives. This new, HAPPY chapter!

Plan B

2011-10-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

Life is All About How You Handle Plan B

Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where everything
Works out to be happily ever-after.
But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out version,
Where nothing goes as it should,
It's at this point that the real test
Of my character comes in....
Do I sink, or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self-pity and play the victim
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine....
Life is all about about you handle Plan B.
-------Suzy Toronto

In one of my classes I learned about something called Cognitive Restructuring as a way to manage stress. Being a single mom has it's difficulties, one of which is not having a partner to use as a sounding board when I'm happy, sad, confused, worried, angry, etc. So when I get stressed I generally just internalize whatever is going on rather than discussing it with someone. This cognitive restructuring technique has been a blessing. It's kind of finding the silver lining in a difficult situation. But beyond that, it's modifying how I think about things.

Being a behavioral science major, the subjects in many of my classes are uncomfortable subjects, some of which hit really close to home. Some of the subjects have opened old wounds. I've been able to use this technique to say; "Ok, this happened to me and it still hurts to think about it. But instead hiding from it or pushing it aside, I can see what I can learn from it and how I can help others with what I've learned." It takes me from having a pity party to being empowered.

To be honest, I am not sad for myself that I'm divorced. I am sad for my kids that I made this decision because it affects them adversely. I worry for them every day. I didn't see our circumstances as a long term goal when Doug and I got married or when we were sealed to each other, and Ethan, in the temple. I thought we'd be a forever family. The thought of that loss makes me sad. But, one day Mckenzie brought to my attention that if her dad were still living with us, we wouldn't have Seth. People will probably judge that as screwed up logic, but I choose to look at it as my daughter finding the silver lining in not having her dad around full time. She loves her baby brother and so do I. Divorce is an impossible situation, it's never good for a family to be torn apart but it's also not good for a family to be together in dysfunction. The best I can do is move forward and continue raising my children in a warm, loving and safe environment.

Raising my six children my way is my Plan B. I'm ok with swimming, even if it's treading water for awhile. I've done my fair share of sinking.

New Life

2011-09-25T01:21:00.000-07:00

We are now settled into our new home in Spanish Fork. The children are loving their new schools and their new teachers. So far, I am very impressed with everything they are doing. Ethan is taking an art class, which has prompted him to want to be an architect. A fitting aspiration since he loves to draw and create. Garrett and Mckenzie are in the same class (there are only two 5th grade teachers.) Chase chose to be in his own class. There is another set of triplets in the same grade! That's never happened before. They are identical girls and love Mckenzie. The 5th grade classes get to make movies. The kids are planning a movie called Nightmare on Sesame Street for Halloween. I love hearing all the stories about it. Carter is enjoying 3rd grade. He loves being able to do his extra classes, including percussion and computers. All the kids are enjoying new opportunities and learning a lot.

I was so worried about Ethan. He had wanted to attend junior high in Orem for a year but changed his mind at the last minute. We quickly registered him here and he started without a problem. He has made new friends and met "old" friends that he grew up with in Orem. It's been such a good experience for him to start over without prejudice from people who should have known better than to judge him.

We like our ward. It's sort of a transient ward, so there are always new people moving in and out. It's hard for our poor bishop to keep up. There are FIVE nursery classes and the junior sharing time is enormous. But the senior sharing time and Young Men's classes are quite a bit smaller and a little more manageable. The kids have a lot of their friends from school in their church classes and from our complex.

I've been enjoying my solitude. I really love Spanish Fork. It's a cute little town that's not too far from Provo and Orem. I go into Orem for school and visit Provo when I go to see my brother and sister-in-law. Beyond that, I stay here and enjoy my solitude. I spend my days with Seth and when he is with Eric, I do homework. It's a nice, simple way to live. It's helped heal my heart.

I'm trying to find a job. Scary.... I was more excited about my search when I thought I'd be sharing babysitting duties with my sister. But she decided to move to Rexburg after being away from her husband all summer. He is finishing his degree at BYU-Idaho and he'd been commuting back and forth from Rexburg to Pleasant Grove on the weekends. It's a good move for her, but since calling off my wedding, I've relied heavily on my sister and sister-in-law so it's been super hard to have her gone. So, I've lost motivation in finding a job. Silly, I know. But I really don't want Seth in day care. It was a lot easier to think about working when I knew Seth would be with someone who will love him almost as much as I do.

Speaking of Seth, he is growing so fast. He is 8 months old and finally figuring out the whole crawling thing. He has been scooting around for quite awhile and pulling himself up on furniture but no one will really let him be down on the ground long enough to try crawling. There are 5 people (ok... six people including ME) who can't put the baby down. He's too cuddly.

It's strange how I feel such a sense of freedom here. Like a load has been lifted from my shoulders. It's as if I was released from my anger. I've been able to extract myself from people I felt were not good for me or my children and truly be able to make a fresh start. No more neighbors excluding my children for whatever reason, no more "friends" saying one thing to my face and another behind my back, no more trying so hard to be ok when I wasn't. I've purged those people from my life who I don't need. Now I'm ok. I may have only moved 20 minutes away, but it's like a whole new world. Of course there are friends that I miss. They know who they are!

The best part about living here is seeing how well my children are treated. They were welcomed and immediately loved. There are tons of kids in this complex! Our town house opens into a sort of courtyard and the kids play kickball with their friends, trade Pokemon cards, study in the shade, and sometimes just run around like crazy people. Parents hang out and watch the kids play. It's just pleasant. It's the best way to describe it.

So, that's our update. Fresh start. New life. Happy family!

Weaknesses and a 12 Year Old

2011-05-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

Ethan is turning 12 tomorrow. I've been able to spend a lot of time with him this weekend. It's his normal weekend with his dad, but he decided he wanted his birthday party on Friday so he stayed home with me. Friday night was spend with too many boys in my house. (I apologize to my neighbors!!) And Saturday was spent recovering. Ethan and I literally spent most of the day sleeping. Saturday night we went out to dinner with Eric and Aiyana and Seth and then I treated everyone to a movie. Today we've just vegged. Ethan and I both had an appointment with our bishop, which was good for both of us. He's going to be ordained in June. Wow. Time just flies.

The best part is we've been able to talk. And for a 12 year old, Ethan has asked some very interesting questions. For one, he's asked why we have weaknesses. I've thought a lot about that. I told him that we have to have weaknesses so we can appreciate our strengths. I told him that our life is a test, like a math test, and we have to work really hard on the problems we're not so good at. He commented that sometimes when we work on our weaknesses, we just make them worse. I told him I know exactly what he's talking about. But we just have to keep working. We can't keep doing what we've been doing, we have to change our actions if we're to get different consequences.

I always think of a story that President Hinckley told. After his wife died, he said that there were times that his sadness got to be so much that he'd take off his shoes and lay down. But eventually he'd get up and put his shoes back on and go back to work. What good does it do to just lie down? I think that applies to our weaknesses. I try to laugh at mine but sometimes I don't always try to fix them. And sometimes instead of working up the courage to just take the bull by the horns, I hide. I let my depression or fear dictate what I do.

Recently, I've let a situation spiral out of control. I've let a situation get worse instead of working hard to make it better. I've taken the wimp's way out and communicated with someone through email instead of face to face. Let me tell you right now, email is not the way to communicate with someone when you're trying to convey who you are. It's a lazy way to do anything. But, I convinced myself I had too much going on, I had too much pain, disappointment and worry that I just couldn't deal with this situation face to face. And now, it's all I can think about because I screwed it up. I didn't mean to, but I did.

So, I've got to put my shoes back on and get back to work. Not just with this particular situation but with so many others in my life.

Let me say this about my son. Ethan is an amazing kid. I wish people could see what we see. He's very shy and doesn't like to open up to people. His teacher says that he's really quiet at school. He's struggled with his temper. I'm not condoning it and we've taken appropriate steps to help him learn to control his anger and channel it in appropriate ways. Ethan is a good brother, a good son, a good friend, a good student, and just a good kid. I wish people would let him change and shake his mistakes. Those who truly love him have done that.

Happy Birthday to my baby. And thanks to him for helping learn an important lesson today.

My Kids Rock!

2011-02-27T20:57:00.000-08:00

We've had some ups and downs this past year, but for the most part, my kids are amazing!

We haven't been to church in quite some time and lately the kids have been having "serious discussions" with me about returning to church. I've tried a couple times to get up on Sunday and get going but my pregnancy was difficult and I've been trying to recover from having a baby.

Today was the day to stop with the excuses and go. My kids were incredible. Last night I had the kiddos get church clothes together and set them out, making sure everything was ironed and ready to go. They did it without complaining. This morning, I got up to make them breakfast and they got ready for church with good attitudes. Even Carter, who usually complains about everything. Maybe the maple sausage brightened his mood.

I told the kids if they didn't feel comfortable going to Primary that they didn't have to. They could come home with Eric and I after Sacrament Meeting. Jason Oler, the triplet's primary teacher came up to us after Sacrament and told Mckenzie where their classroom was. She just gave me a kiss and walked out the door. Garrett and Chase followed.

Ever since his unfortunate scouting incident that has left a bitter taste in both our mouths, Ethan has been less than excited to participate in anything church related. However, to my shock and awe, he got up and starting to walk towards the Primary room. I asked him if he was staying and he lifted his scriptures, which I didn't know he brought, and said "That's why I brought these, Mom." He hugged me and left.

Carter is the only one who went home with me. He isn't big on leaving me when he doesn't have to.

Also to my surprise, Eric agreed to come with us. He's been less than thrilled with how *some* members of my ward have treated me but he was really impressed with how much help was offered to us after Seth was born. He agreed to support me in taking my kids to church and came with us. It was nice to have my family there.

To make things better, my bishop gave a wonderful talk about hope. It was something I enjoyed hearing. Looking down the row at my precious children, I saw a boy who will be receiving the priesthood this year and who will become a young man. I saw another precious boy who will be getting baptized. And my baby in my arms will be blessed next month. They are my hope.

Today was a good day.

*Disclaimer* I stress the word SOME in regard to the people in my ward because I have wonderful, sweet, and tender friends whom I could not live without. But there are those who have forgotten who they are, as we all have from time to time, and it's made my struggles even more difficult to bear.

Pure Joy

2011-02-26T23:10:00.000-08:00

Despite my lack of sleep and being so sick these past few weeks, I have managed to enjoy my tiny bundle. He is one of the six most perfect things I've ever done!

Mckenzie and I were taking pictures of Seth
and managed to get one of his precious smiles!

I love that Seth is more and more alert.
I love the cooing and "talking."

Out to dinner with Mommy and Daddy to celebrate Uncle Shadd's Birthday

Ethan adores his baby brother. The sweetest thing I've seen is when Ethan had a bad day, he came home, got Seth out of his crib and cuddled him. I love it!

Mckenzie is the second mother in our house. She is super helpful with Seth. She helps me bathe him, feed him, and she loves to snuggle him.
Garrett just loves to kiss him.
The other boys will gives him loves too but aren't too keen on hold him yet.

One of Those Moments...

2011-02-10T22:30:00.001-08:00

I am cranky today. Seth is sick and hasn't been sleeping well, which means I'm not sleeping well. I was completely exhausted today so I asked Doug to take Carter to a dentist appointment. Carter had a cavity that I assumed the dentist would just seal because it was on a baby tooth. Well, I'm still not clear on all the details, but my sweet Carter ended up having to get a root canal without his mommy there. To make matters worse, he has to have another one in two weeks.

When Doug brought Carter home, I was passed out with the baby so Doug put Carter to sleep on the couch and went to work. I woke up to the sound of Carter sobbing. I asked if he was in pain, he said no. I asked if he was dizzy or sick from the medicine the dentist gave him, he said no. I asked what was wrong and he said he missed he daddy which broke my heart. I had him lay down with me while I fed Seth.

Eric came over and brought Carter a milk shake which Carter didn't eat. (He really didn't feel well,) I had to get up to do something and when I came back into the room, Carter had fallen asleep holding onto his baby brother on my bed. Seeing my boys in such a sweet position made all the crappiness of the day melt away....

Changes and Balancing Acts

2011-02-09T21:23:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened over the past several months. The most spectacular, in my opinion, is the birth of my baby boy, Seth William McCabe. He was born on January 20th, 2011 at around 10:00 pm. His eventful birth put an end to a difficult pregnancy. I say his birth was eventful because I went into the hospital to be induced, only to have the complication of a placental abruption, meaning Seth's placenta was separating from my uterus and filling with blood. Seth had swallowed quite a lot of blood and had inhaled it into his lungs. It was a frightening 10 minutes, as they prepped me for a C-section, rushed me into an OR, cut me open and delivered my baby. Wow!! Eric can hardly describe what was done to me without dry heaving. But, our gorgeous son is here and we could not be more elated.

Seth's birth has changed a lot of things in my relationship with Eric. We're not married and not living together, so we're trying to raise our baby together but separately. Which has been a struggle.

Eric proposed to me right before Seth was born, but we have yet to set a wedding date. However, we've been encouraging his children to be more comfortable in my home. We talk to all eight children about the two of us getting married and about when they will all move in with us. We've discussed who will have what bedroom and even went to pick out potential paint colors for those bedrooms. I obviously want all our kids to feel comfortable about this impending change. So far, we've met little resistance. We're so blessed that all our children get along. We have a few squabbles here and there, but nothing serious. They look forward to being together and get along when they are together.

Eric and I now have a combined total of nine children. I have five, he has three and we have Seth. It's been a challenge to let all of the kids feel they have enough bonding time with Seth. I let Eric take the baby to his house a couple times so his kids could have uninterrupted bonding time, but it frustrated me because it felt as if he was dividing our families, which is completely counterproductive to what we've been trying to accomplish. I understood where he was coming from, my children live with Seth and are able to hold him and bond with him whenever they want. But I want the kids to all feel like they share a brother and so they need to learn to SHARE their brother. A compromise was telling my kids (mostly Mckenzie) that when Eric's kids are here, they can hold the baby without my kids hovering over them waiting for a turn. That way his kids can have bonding time and my kids learn to share.

I think another big change is that I'm more in love with Eric now that we have a son together. I want him here all the time. On nights when I get up with Seth alone, I want Eric to live here. But then I have my fears of what it will be like to have nine kids under one roof. What it will be like when I'm married again and lose the independence I feel I have. What it will be like to share my space with someone else. And then the overwhelming fear of, what if I can't make this marriage work? What if this one fails too?

A huge change is that my baby of seven years is no longer the baby. Carter is now a big brother and he's been having quite the adjustment. It's been heartbreaking to watch him at times, but at other times, I'm so proud of him for choices he makes. He is sweet to Seth. But there seems to be a war inside Carter. About a week before Seth was born, Carter did not want to go to school, so I decided to go with him to see what was going on. I just remember sitting at his teacher's desk and watching my baby boy struggle with his tender feelings and I felt so sad and so helpless. I was wishing I could look inside him and see what was making him so sad and so angry.

I'm not sure we ever really pinpointed what was wrong during that week. Eric, Doug and I all agreed that Carter's acting out had something to do with the baby. At times, Carter was proud he was going to be a big brother and at other times he lamented that his time as my baby was coming to an end. I tried to reassure him over and over that he will always be my baby. He would nod and smile, but he would also look at me as if he didn't buy what I was selling. I try very hard to lavishly praise him when he does something well and tenderly correct him when he does something wrong. I'm just trying to rebuild whatever broke inside him.

Trying to make nine kids happy is a huge challenge. Especially when their rules are different. My kids adhere to a pretty strict schedule. They get up at the same time, eat at the same time, take baths at the same time, do homework at the same time, go to bed at the same time, etc. They go to their dad's house the same day every week and spend every other weekend with him. There is occasionally variation to our schedule, but I try to keep it as consistent as possible. Carter and Garrett are not big on changes, especially if they are last minute changes. Eric's kids have rules as well, but they are different from ours. He and his ex-wife are pretty lax about when the kids see her, so it sometimes interrupts activities we've planned. I'm a planner. Stuff like that makes me crazy. (I like Eric's ex and I'm very supportive of his kids being with her, it's the lack of planning that makes me nuts.)

Someone mentioned to me that we may not be having certain issues if we had gotten married sooner. But I think we'd still be having all these issues because we're trying to blend a family. I think we have it easier than most, I've heard some real horror stories... but I know we'd be having adjustment struggles whether we were married right now or not.

Scout Camp, Clear Creek, Sleepovers, OH MY!!

2010-10-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

Ethan went to Clear Creek today. For those of you living outside of Utah Valley, it's like Teton Science School in Jackson or something similar to that. He went over night and was so excited and I was excited for him. We packed last night, talked about the things he was looking forward too, I made him two sandwiches for his lunch, and we argued about putting a clean pillow case on his pillow. I was fine. He is happy and so am I. Then I watched him walk into the school with his overnight stuff and I completely broke down.

We absolutely do not do sleep overs. I can't stand it. I'm more than happy to have hundreds of kiddos at my house, but I don't want my babies going somewhere else. They get to have sleep overs at their aunt and uncle's house, but that's about my limit. I've mentioned before that we do late overs, but again, that's my limit!!

When the kids first started staying over night with their dad after we separated, I had such a hard time. I didn't know what to do with myself. When Doug and I were married and we'd go on any overnighters without kids, I'd drive him up the wall. I really don't know how to function with out being a mommy 24/7. I've learned to mellow out and try to look at the kids' overnighters with their daddy as a break for me. Those overnights don't bother me as much because they're with their dad and most of the time he's responsible... (he is ALL the time. ) I still hate the empty house when they're gone. The first few hours of quiet are nice but after that, the quiet gets too loud.

No one, with the exception of Eric, saw me while Ethan was at scout camp over the summer. He only went for one night as well, but I was a super mess. I hated every minute he was gone! I worried that his scout leaders would be irresponsible or neglectful or the boys would be mean. Eric kept telling me that this was what growing up was about, having these adventures without parents. He reassured me that scout camp was part of his favorite memories so I calmed down a little. (not a lot) When Ethan got home, I saw how happy he was. I listened to all his stories. How could I have denied him of that. So I swore to be more mellow about these things.

BIG FAT HA!!

I'm trying to go to sleep and I miss him so much! His bed is empty, we had a lot of dinner left over tonight, and we didn't get to talk to each other. I HATE IT!

He'll be back tomorrow. Doug and Eric keep making fun of me. If I hear "He'll be fine" one more time, I'm going to chase someone down with a wooden spoon.

Ethan is only 11. He may be taller than me, but he's only 11. To what degree do I let go?

Alone

2010-10-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

I usually do ok on my own. I'm not one to need people around me. I've never really needed a lot of validation from others. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's nice to hear that I'm a good mother or that my kids are amazing or that I'm pretty, but for the most part I have a pretty good self esteem. I've always been partial to being left alone. My parents always threw big parties and I would retreat into my room and hang out by myself. I enjoy company but I also enjoy solitude. I've never measured myself by how many friends I had or how many parties I could throw.

Lately I've been having a hard time with my solitude. I had some issues last night and today I just wanted to call someone for comfort and the only person I could think of was my mom but she is in England so I sat in my solitude and cried.

I realize that I'm difficult to get along with. I keep others at arm's length because it's easier than letting them in. I have friends whom I adore and I have a lot of acquaintances but no one whom I'd call to just sit with me. That's really all I wanted today was someone to just sit here while I cried it out. While I cried out all the physical pain, the worry, the guilt, the frustration, the fear, the overwhelming fear and did I mention the guilt?

I know I'm outspoken and people feel uncomfortable around me. I know I've created my own circumstances. It just doesn't feel very good right now.

Sleeping Arrangements and Fit Throwing

2010-09-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

I'm having a struggle and I'm not sure how to handle it. Ever since Doug left for Boston, Carter has been having nightmares and has been coming to sleep in my bed every night. I tuck him into his own bed and he falls asleep in his own room, but he often wakes up crying, comes into my room and snuggles up next to me until he falls back to sleep. I've let him sleep with me because when I asked him why he was sleeping with me he said it was because he was afraid to wake up and find everyone had disappeared.

The big problem with this is that I can't sleep at all when he sleeps with me. He travels in his sleep and snores and takes up the entire bed. I've done some reading on the subject and everything I've read says to send him back to his bed when he comes into my room. However, I feel so guilty doing this, especially when he's crying. So, when he's crying, I let him lay down with me and I rub his back and let him calm down and then I send him back to bed. But I still feel so bad, like I'm doing something harmful. He's 7 years old and I know he's too big to be sleeping with me, but he's my baby and he's obviously hurting and afraid.

We're also dealing with some major fits. It doesn't seem to matter what I say to him, if it's contrary to what he wants to hear, he has a complete melt down. And this isn't just once a day, it happens several times a day. It happens over anything from telling him that he can't have a fruit snack for breakfast to telling him he has to wear socks with his shoes. He screams and runs to his room and slams his door. The fit only lasts a few seconds and then he'll do what he's told. I have tried everything from ignoring the fits to making threats. Nothing works. He's always had a stubborn personality, it's just gotten really difficult lately. He's such a precious little thing. I'm trying to be patient with what he's going through. I'm just not sure we're both going to make it to his 8th birthday....

Corrections, Apologies, Exciting News, and Sweet Anecdotes

2010-09-24T21:32:00.001-07:00

So, I made a comment in my last post about a policy my Relief Society presidency had regarding unwed mothers. I have since had a very sweet conversation with my RS president and I feel I should apologize for assuming that what I had heard was true. I should have gone to the source instead of passive-aggressively continuing a chain of gossip. I believe that the comment had been made by someone in my ward, and this person is a consistent source of gossip, but it is not a RS policy. My RS president is my neighbor and her children are friends with my children and I would hate for bad blood to exist between us. She and her husband have done a lot for me. Therefore, I publicly and sincerely apologize.

Our super exciting news for the week is that my very shy Ethan ran for Student Council Vice-President and won!! We are so excited for him that we can hardly stand it. We celebrated by taking him, his friend Skyler (who won Student Council President) and Brayden (who also ran) to Pizza Pie Cafe in Provo. Then we went to Eric's to play night games. I am so proud of Ethan and his friends for being brave enough to run. They are an awesome group of boys.

Tonight as we were taking Brayden home (again, I apologize to his parents for making him late....) my kids noticed that someone had toilet papered our neighbor's house. Ethan got really mad about it because he thinks my neighbor has enough to worry about and didn't need to clean up a mess in the morning. So my kids grabbed garbage bags and headed over there to clean up the toilet paper. Mckenzie then comes inside when they're done and declares that she will find out WHO did that to our neighbors and WHY they did it and she will report it as soon as she finds out. I know I brag a ton about my kids, but how sweet are they? I have to beg and threaten to get them to do anything at home, but they see a beloved neighbor who needs help and they're there!! Gotta love it!

Baby Seth!

2010-09-13T20:32:00.001-07:00

We found out last week that we're having a baby boy! I could not be more excited to meet my baby boy in January. It was so fun to see him on screen. He moves so much and the ultrasound tech had trouble getting good angles. You can also see that our Baby Seth has his daddy's Navajo lips. Even the ultrasound tech commented several times about how cute the baby's lips are.

I think I'm past the really crappy part of this pregnancy and despite finding out things like my ward Relief Society doesn't support unwed mothers, I'm starting to really enjoy being pregnant with this baby. Like I said, he moves ALL the time. It's starting to be full on kicks and nudges, not just flutters. And Baby likes to swim from one side of my tummy to the other.

I'm starting to show and Mckenzie LOVES to hug my tummy and feel the baby kick. Carter talks non-stop about Baby Seth. Everyone is excited to prepare for him.

This experience has been full of a lot of crazy emotions. People who think they know more than me tend to think they need to remind me that I'm not married and this isn't the best situation to bring a baby into or to expose my children to. Well, DUH!! To those people, mind your own damn business. Let my kids and Eric and I enjoy this baby. We are fully aware that the circumstances are not the best, but what's done is done and we're having a precious baby boy.

We've decided to name him Seth William McCabe. William is after my grandpa whom I miss like crazy.

Big Sigh

2010-08-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a long summer. We've had our fun moments of swimming, hiking, BBQ's, picnics, family, movies, and other activities. But for the most part, having a sick mommy has totally dampened my kids' summer fun.

We're all happy school has started. The kids totally love their teachers. Carter is having a hard time being away from mommy. With his daddy in Boston, he's been having a hard time sleeping on his own and being alone for any period of time. Not having his siblings/guardians around to help him feel safe, he's been little scared of school. Luckily, his teacher is Ms. Burke who was Mckenzie's 3rd grade teacher last year. That makes things a little easier since Ms. Burke already knows him and loves him.

Ethan has started his final year at Windsor! He is in 6th grade and so far he loves his teacher. He even admitted it on Facebook! He has Mrs. Seedall whom I've heard is wonderful. I hope so. Ethan has been blessed with having great teachers.

Garrett, Chase and Mckenzie are in 4th grade this year. They are so cute and so excited. Despite Garrett's awful year last year, we decided to keep him in the Spanish Immersion program. He really likes Spanish and wanted to continue. He has Mrs. Ramos (formally Ms. Clayson.) We've heard good things about her and are looking forward to a much better year!

Chase has Mrs. Maughn whom Ethan also had in 4th grade. This woman is a total saint and I love her dearly. I know she'll adore Chase and he already loves her. Chase, like Ethan, has also been blessed with awesome teachers.

Mckenzie has Mrs. Erickson. I don't know her, but so far Mckenzie loves her and Mckenzie is tough to please, so that's a good sign! Mckenzie has had good teachers as well, but she needs someone to challenge her to move out of her comfort zone. I hope Mrs. Erickson can do that for us.

I also started school the same day the kidlets did. I'm so in love with all my professors! It's going to be a challenging but interesting semester. I'm really excited. I had a rocky summer and went from a 3.5 GPA to way under that but I'm determined to bring that back up to where it needs to be. My doctor, bless his heart, has been so helpful in trying to make me more comfortable and relieve a lot of my worries and stress. I've started to move past the nauseous stage but I'm still exhausted. Hopefully that will change.

For now, things seem to be ok for us. It would be nice to have Doug home from Boston, but he needed to seize the opportunity he was given. It's good for his career so we're doing our best to support him. He comes back next week to visit the kids and they are very excited.

My wedding plans with Eric have been put on hold, but he and I are still trying to forge some kind of relationship. My kids adore him and frankly, so do I. I think the stress of the situation and the impending responsibility of NINE children got to both of us. We're trying to see what the future holds for us. I have my desires, we'll just have to see what happens.

In the meantime, I bought the cutest little denim jacket for my baby yesterday! I promised myself not to buy anything until we know what we're having, but I couldn't help myself. I figure if it's a girl, I'll sew on little flowers or something to make the jacket more feminine. But it was so cute and so tiny... it was just calling my name. Plus, my little redhead convinced me that we had to buy it. She also tried to talk me into buying more baby clothes, but I told her we needed to find out if we're having a boy or girl and she reluctantly agreed.

I'm now 18 weeks, almost 19. We find out the sex of the baby on September 8th. We've had some complications but hopefully we solved most of it. I had to get an early Rhogam shot because my doctor is concerned my body might be trying to attack or reject the baby because I have A- blood and they baby may be positive. I've been bleeding, spotting and cramping a ton and since I received the shot yesterday I haven't bleed at all. Of course, it's only been like 24 hours, but I think it's a good sign. Right?

My seizures and headaches have been another issue. Holy crap.... they've been an issue. I've been off my seizure meds until recently because I didn't want to add chemical stress to my developing baby.The withdrawals were super fun and I did ok for awhile. However, situations necessitated that I get back on the meds. The result has been ugly. But I think I'm adjusting again and the side effects are diminishing.

Anyway... things seem to have started to even out. I'm breathing a BIG sigh of relief. I just hope things continue to run smoothly.

Band Aids, Eggs, and Empty Boxes

2010-06-27T12:40:00.001-07:00

As a mother, I tend to over stock when it comes to items like band-aids, neosporin, and sun screen. However, I've noticed that when I actually NEED those items, at times when say Ethan runs over Carter with his bike and Carter's leg is covered in deep slashes filled with gravel, I can't find a single band aid. In fact, we had to get band aids from a neighbor.

And of course, NO ONE is ever responsible for using the band aids unnecessarily. We run out magically. It could have nothing to do with the fact that a child in my home may get a scratch and need to use 15 to 20 band aids to cover the scratch, no matter how large or deep the scratch may be.

I've hid the first aid kit, which is not always a good idea because if I'm not here and someone needs a bandage, how would they get one? So I've hidden a stash of first aid products and put band aids out for general use. Still, the stash is always found and used. Empty bandage boxes are left in the hiding place so I assume we have bandages because I see the box. This same tactic has been used in the treat cupboard. My kids will inform me we're out of treats and I'll be shocked because I just checked the treat cupboard and there were boxes there. I've learned to check boxes to see if they are empty.

I've had long discussions with my children regarding these things. They know they have access to bandages in the kitchen cabinet and the bandages in the first aid stash are not to be played with because they are for emergencies. They all look at me with their precious little faces and nod understanding and make sweet promises to never touch the stash. I then move the stash to a new hiding place.

Then, after my darling neighbor carries my screaming six year old home, with blood streaming down his leg, I quickly look for the stash so I can clean and bandage his wounds and lo and behold.... EMPTY BOXES!!! No wipies, no neosporin, no band aids. What is wrong here?

I again lecture my kids, hoping that this new example of a bleeding leg and having to have kids run all over the neighborhood searching for bandages will have some kind of impact on them. We have yet to see if it applies to bandages.....

However, I was trying to make some brownies and went into the fridge to get some eggs from the carton that was in there. What do you think I found? Eggs? No.... an empty egg carton. Where were the eggs? An unknown suspect, no one would fess up, decided it would be fun to break the eggs outside. Everyone saw the eggs being broken but no one actually saw the egg breaker. Interesting.

I'm losing my mind and counting down the days until summer is over.....

I do love my children. I said that, right?

My News

2010-06-24T22:31:00.000-07:00

Well, as you've no doubt heard from my children, I am pregnant. I'm about 10 weeks along and Eric and I will be expecting the baby in late January.
Obviously, this wasn't planned. And obviously, it's not an ideal situation. But as my friend pointed out to me, what is so bad about a cute, pudgy baby?
Members of my family and some of my friends are no longer speaking to me and we don't have a lot of support. Eric's family isn't thrilled but they are being very sweet to me. And a few of my close friends are being supportive.
So, here we are. If you've heard the news and wondered if it was true, yes it is. My kids are somewhat confused, but excited. But I'm somewhat confused as well.
We'll see what happens.....

2010-06-07T21:17:00.001-07:00

Garrett had his EEG done at Primary Children's Medical Center last Friday. He was quite the trooper. As you can see from the pictures, he thought the whole thing was a barrel of laughs. He kept cracking jokes and he would not sit still! During the strobe light portion of the EEG, he was like, "Remember from Bugs Life.... Don't go towards the light! But it's so pretty!!!" We completely cracked up. He also begged his dad to take pictures and post them on Facebook. Crazy kid.

The good news is that his neurologist did not see anything abnormal in her preliminary scan of the EEG. WHAT A RELIEF!!! She says we probably can chalk it up to the trauma he suffered at birth. He was breech and stuck in the birth canal. He was bruised up and it was touch and go couple days with him. Plus, he was a preemie. The neurologist also told us that she hopes it's just a one time thing and will never happen again. That's what I've been hoping all along. Garrett was under some stress, his teacher was not the calmest person in the world, so maybe this summer he'll relax and all will be well.

Anyway, it's hard to keep the kid down! I had the kids move the trampoline away from the deck and our big tree because all the kids kept climbing the tree and jumping onto the tramp! Including Garrett who knew better!! Argh!!! So if you see him around and he's acting crazy, advise him to take a breather.... and remind him his mother will kick his little butt.

Garrett's Big Scare

2010-06-01T18:52:00.001-07:00

So... last Thursday, my birthday, I was in the middle of getting a pedicure when I get a phone call from the kids' school. Garrett is having a seizure. I was in total shock and I kept repeating what Heather, the secretary was saying. I grabbed my shoes and ran to the car. Eric drove like a crazy person to get us to the school. When we got there, we were greeted by an ambulance, fire truck, two police cars, a horde of paramedics and all kinds of people from the school. I tried to run inside, but one of the EMT's grabbed me by the shoulders and tried to tell me what was going on. His biggest concern was that I was calm when I went in to see Garrett.
I tried my best, walked into his classroom and saw my baby laying on the floor hooked up to monitors. He was alert but lethargic. I knelt next to him and listened to what everyone was trying to tell me. Garrett's teacher told me that Garrett was unresponsive for 10 minutes and then once she thought she got his attention, he stood up and melted onto the floor. I'm still not clear on whether or not he was shaking, I've heard different versions. All Garrett remembers was his class getting really loud and he said he had a bad headache. And then he woke up with tons of people standing over him.
The paramedics said Garrett was stable enough for Eric and I to take him to the hospital. We took him to UVR and waited for tests to be run. His blood sugars and electrolytes were all normal. He had a CT scan that was abnormal so they did an MRI. It was inconclusive so we have to take him to a pediatric neurologist at Primary Children's Hospital. He'll have to have an EEG done and probably some tests on his heart.
By the time we got to the hospital, Garrett was alert and being his funny little self. He was cracking jokes with Eric and I and even the nurses and doctors. He was a total champ with all his tests. The only thing he really hated was having the IV tube in his arm. But other than that, he was amazing.
When Doug finally arrived, he had brought hamburgers with him and Garrett all but inhaled the food and wanted more. So we know his appetite is just fine!
He's a little irritated with me because his activities are restricted but he's being a good boy and trying to do what he's told. He seems to be doing so much better. He's complained of some headaches, but he hasn't had another episode. I'm hoping it was just a one time thing. He's kind of a dramatic child... well, he's a REALLY dramatic child so it's hard to know what's really going on with him when he says he has a headache. Is he trying to get out chores? Trying to get out of family activities? Trying to get his brothers into trouble? Or is he really suffering?
All we know is that what happened was real and we'll try to work it out the best we can. It scared his mother and sister to death. Poor Mckenzie was hysterical when she heard it was Garrett who needed the EMT's at the school. She loves her brother.
I'll try to keep everything updated. People keep asking and this is the best way to answer questions.
Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and phone calls and texts and posts on my Facebook. Garrett is such a special kid and everyone loves him. We definitely felt everyone's prayers!!

Awards...

2010-05-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

I had two very excited boys come home today with awards from their teachers. Chase, of course, received the Best Kid award (obviously!) from his teacher and Garrett received the Most Improved (which I think is crap... it's his teacher that needed improving....but that's a rant for another day.) The awards are now proudly displayed on the fridge! They got to get up in front of everyone at Pack Meeting tonight and announce what award they received. I am a beaming mommy, let me tell you. I love it when my boys accomplish things!

Ethan finally completed his Webelos! He received his badge today AND his Arrow of Light. We had to literally do some very last minute things so he could get his awards tonight, but he did it and I am so, so, so proud!! He's ready for 11-year-old scouts. (He's ready, I'm not)

We're counting down the last 3 days of school! We're so excited for summer. If the snow would stay away and the weather would warm up, we'd be even more excited! Mckenzie, Chase and Carter are gearing up for baseball. Garrett has a basketball camp coming up as well. Ethan has yet to choose his summer activity. He needs to hurry or Mommy will pick it for him.

Ethan is 11!!!!

2010-05-17T15:59:00.000-07:00

11 years ago, I was trying to get someone's attention in Labor & Delivery at Logan Regional Hospital because I felt so much pressure in my nether regions and knew I was ready to push. But everyone was watching the Jazz game because they were in the finals. I could hear the nurses out at the nurse's station cheering as the Jazz scored a basket... I looked at Doug who was panic stricken but also somewhat absorbed in the game. I told him I was ready to push. He got a nurse who saw the baby had crowned. She grabbed the doctor who was covered in llama blood from delivering a baby llama moments before coming to the hospital. They told me to push, out came the head... they told me to push again... out came my beautiful baby boy! Ethan Douglas Montrose was born at around 9:00 pm on May 16th, 1999 after 13 hours of labor. He weighed 8 lbs 9 oz and was 21 inches long. And I cannot emphasize enough how beautiful he was. All purple and gooey, he was a gorgeous baby with big beautiful eyes and the sweetest spirit. He screamed until they put him in my arms. He settled down and was quite content from then on out. He was the best baby, a wonderful toddler and an awesome big brother.

We were so worried about him when we had the triplets. I took him to see them when they were still in the hospital. I was so worried he wouldn't want to hold them or that he would be jealous, but he insisted on holding all three, ALL THE TIME. And anytime anyone would come over, he would assert himself by saying, "My babies. Those are MY babies."

And when Carter was born, well, Ethan was just another parent to Carter. He was constantly holding Carter and kissing him, feeding him and loving him. Even now, I'll catch Ethan stroking Carter's hair while Carter is asleep.

And now, Ethan is 11. He's as tall as I am. His feet are bigger... his hands are bigger.... and his heart is probably bigger too. His humor is just as sarcastic as mine and his temper is probably as quick as mine too. (we're both working on the temper thing...) You may not see it at first glance, but he has a huge reverence for his Savior and for the church. I admire that in him. He is bright and articulate, but shy and reserved. He observes people before he interacts. He doesn't really come alive in front of people unless he knows he can trust them. He's had a rough time lately, but things are getting so much better and his walls are slowly coming down. A good sign is that we went shopping for summer clothes and he did not buy one single black item of clothing. He bought a gray shirt and a navy blue shirt, but not one single black thing!!! He even bought a turquoise shirt!! And he had fun shopping with me! He talked so much and was animated and funny. It was a big step for both of us.

For his birthday he wanted an air soft gun war. For those of you who know my boys, they are ALL BOY. Ethan is very into army stuff and this war thing was right up his alley. Doug rented some air soft guns and we took Ethan and his friends up Rock Canyon to have a mock war. Ethan's aunts and uncles joined us. The boys (and aunt and sister) split up into teams and tried to take each others bases. It was pretty funny. They played one game, then we had lunch and they went back up to play a couple more. Then we opened gifts and had cake. The boys had so much fun and are still talking about it today. I had dog tags made for each boy at Uncle Sam's in Orem and each boy had their face painted in real army camo paint. We were exhausted when we got home, but it was worth it.

Ethan got a leopard gecko from Mommy and an air soft gun from his dad. The original gecko actually died and we had to have a small, intimate funeral for it in the back yard on Saturday. Petco wasn't going to replace the gecko without the body, but after hearing it was Ethan's birthday AND upon hearing of the funeral and seeing how sad Ethan was, they replaced the gecko and gave us a generous discount off some reptile accessories for the cage.

Ethan also got a ton of presents from friends and family. Eric and I also took the kids to the zoo yesterday for Ethan's birthday as well, and Eric's son's birthday which is on the 18th. It's been a jam packed weekend!!! Good thing I get to recover for a couple months before Carter's birthday and the triplet's birthdays in July!

Happy Birthday to my huge baby boy!

Thoughts on Joy

2010-05-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine raised the question of whether or not there is a difference between happiness and joy. I readily told her there is. I've always believed that happiness is a temporal state, brought on by things, situations or events where joy is a state of being. I looked up both words in the dictionary and they had similar definitions, but pretty much reinforced my beliefs...

Joy is the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires.

A happy person is favored by luck or fortune or a person who is notably fitting, effective, or well adapted.

But I've been thinking more and more about the difference and how they apply to me. I have never really believed in coincidences. I think this question was brought to me for a purpose, as was the entire conversation we had the evening it was raised.

In the scriptures we're told that men are that we might have joy. But we are also taught that we must experience pain to experience joy. Attaining joy is a process, a learning process, where happiness isn't really so much something we learn. I think it's something that is more accumulated.

Happiness doesn't usually exist in times of grief or loss. It doesn't for me, anyway. When things or people are taken from me, I can't be happy. But I always have joy. Especially now that I'm a mother. I always find joy in my surroundings, my home, nature, and my family. And now I find exquisite joy in my children. All of these bring me more than happiness, it goes deeper than that. It's something that's rooted in my being. Even in my darkest moments, dimpled cheeks, bright blue eyes, sweet freckles, chubby little toes, sticky kisses, precious giggles, and warm snuggles soothe my soul and can always bring a content smile to my face. On the same token, a blue sky against snow capped mountains, sweet smelling rain, colorful blossoms, clear running streams, blankets of green grass, and red cliffs bring the same response. No matter where I am or what my circumstances, all these things offer more than happiness. They anchor the roots of joy.

I've been struggling hard with my desire to be part of the church. I've experienced a lot of anger and resentment these last several months. I've realized that the majority of my anger is directed towards a very small handful of people. These people acted in the name of Christ in some private matters and claimed to have had the spirit of discernment, however that doesn't mean I should have allowed them to alter my relationship with my Savior. I've learned from my parents that no matter what has happened, I should rely on what I know and what I feel. Those people may have represented the Savior, but they don't now. And people are wrong all the time. And these people did what they thought was right. Hopefully they sleep well at night.

I have struggled with the church for so long. Probably the majority of my life. The logical part of me has trouble with a lot of things. However, the spiritual side of me found such joy in the gospel. And I separate the church from the gospel, because yes, the church is full of imperfect people who can drain our happiness. But the gospel is perfect. No one can alter it or change it. It is full of joy. That is what I need to focus on.

Another of my dear friends bore her testimony on Sunday. She told a story about the trek the youth took awhile ago. When they got to their camp site, it was full of grasshoppers. Laying tarps and things didn't help at all and the kids were really distracted by the bugs. It was not a conducive environment for a testimony meeting or anything of the kind where the spirit could be present. Soon, a little bit of rain started to fall, to the disappointment of the leaders. However, they soon discovered that the rain made the grasshoppers go away and they were able to have their meeting where the spirit was strong. The rain wasn't an ideal situation but it helped solve the bigger problem of the grasshoppers.

I think I've had a lot of grasshoppers over the years. And I've needed a break this past few months to gain some perspective. The break was my rain storm that has kind of washed away the dust and bugs and even though the grasshoppers are still there, they are not as distracting. Somehow the spirit touched my precious children and encouraged them to go back to church. And in that environment we rediscovered the joy of the gospel.

First Semester Down... Whole Rest of My Life Coming Up!!!

2010-04-28T15:50:00.001-07:00

Today I took my last final. It went so smoothly and I feel very good about it. I also received my Sociology term paper grade. A perfect score! Yay for me! My first semester back at UVU ends on a very, very good note.

So, Eric took me out to lunch to celebrate and of course, ended up buying me shoes. He knows his way to my heart. SHOES! They're cute!

I feel like I just climbed a mountain and I'm looking over the valley and it's good. It's sooooo good. I did it! I'm doing it! The kids and I have our whole lives ahead of us and it'll be good.

Little Miss Sass

2010-04-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness. Little Miss Sassy-pants and I have been having a bit of a power struggle lately. I'm not sure what to do with her. She is usually such a good little thing, does what she's told, and is pretty responsible with her things and her time. That hasn't really changed, but we're experiencing a lot of back talk. And I mean A LOT. I'll ask her to do something and she'll immediately say no. It doesn't matter what it is I'm asking, she says no. It could totally be something that benefits her, she just says no. Getting her to get dressed, brush her teeth, allow me to fix her hair, eat her meals, clean her room, do her homework, ANYTHING is a huge power struggle. She'll do it, but she will whine and complain and stomp around.

The newest thing is completely bewildering to me. Every night I have the kids select an outfit for the following day. It has to meet my approval. We do this to prevent fighting and arguing the following morning. The kids feel they have control over what they are wearing because they are choosing their clothes and I have veto power if it's too scary. Well, Mckenzie does this every night, as per routine, but every morning she changes her outfit. It's usually something that is more appropriate to wear to bed (it has holes in it or it's too small.) I ask her to change it, she says no, I say yes, she stomps into her room and slams the door. It's been happening EVERY MORNING. Why? I ask her every night if she's happy with what she's selected for the next day. She says yes, and then the next morning there's a struggle. I don't argue with my children because I just don't. I'm the final word. However, that doesn't prevent them from throwing huge tantrums.

She speaks to me as if we're on the same level. Like we're not mother and daughter, more like we're peers. It makes me crazy when she says "I'm going to my friend's house." Umm, no. That doesn't fly with me. Children need to ask permission. They don't inform parents of their plans. Especially when they are EIGHT YEARS OLD! What is that about???

Then there's the bossiness. Ordering people around... I will say something to the kids and here's my little red-headed parrot at my side repeating the orders I've just given. I have to turn to her and remind her that whatever I've just assigned applies to her too.

Tonight at the dinner table she got so mad at me because I had to remind her once again that I was the mom. She ate quietly for a few moments and then announced that she was going up to her room, packing her bags and calling her Nanna to come pick her up. She was moving to Nevada to live with her grandparents.

How can something so bossy come in such a cute, small package?

Moving Up

2010-04-23T00:00:00.001-07:00

I am pretty pleased with myself at the moment! I haven't taken all of my finals yet, but I have found out that I have an A in my psychology class which has made me exempt from taking that final. I also found out my score in my Student Success class has also made me exempt from taking that final. So, that leaves me with my Sociology and History finals. I do have to take those finals next week, however my Sociology professor sent me an email yesterday informing me that I received 102 points out of 100 on my last test because of my scores on my essays! I am so excited that I can't stand it.

When I got pregnant with Ethan, I put my plans for school on hold. I tried to take classes on and off throughout the years, but being the mommy of so many little kids made it a little difficult to do that. So I had made the goal to try to return when Carter went into first grade. Well, Carter is in first grade and we all know the obstacles I've faced this year. I had decided to once again put my plans for school on hold. But last fall I went out to lunch with my grandmother who basically told me to buck up and just do it. So, I enrolled and did it.

I didn't have high expectations for myself. I was always a good student in high school but hey, let's face it... my mind isn't exactly a sponge anymore. However, to handle the kind of stress I've been under and to be able to still pull off A's, I feel really good about what I've accomplished! Let's hope I can keep the momentum going this summer and through the fall! Yay school!

BUT all this success in school means nothing if I fail as a mommy, so I'm taking a lot of credits this summer but most of my classes will be online. We ALL need to be moving up!

Rain

2010-04-21T20:31:00.000-07:00

There is something about rain that I love. I adore thunder storms. When I was little, I used to be afraid of them. I was really close to my grandpa when I was a little girl. We all lived on the same property, so I grew up right next door to him. I remember crawling into his lap and burying my face in his flannel shirt. He would hold me and just say, "I'm right here." Later, when I was older and would be in the mountains with him and it would thunder and rain, his blue eyes would twinkle and he'd say, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" So, I love the rain.

The best thing about the rain is that everything is clean and colors are more vibrant. I was cleaning my kitchen today and looked out my window as I was doing dishes and noticed that my fence turned amazing shades of brown. The colors were so beautiful. And as I was driving around town today, blossoms were more pink, tulips were more red, daffodils were more yellow, grass was more green... everything was better.

This probably sounds all silly, but at this point in my life I needed rain today. It was soothing and healing. I told my friend today that it's time for me to start facing the world a little more. I'm not going to let the mistakes I've made dictate who I am. I've done what I need to do to take care of them and now it's time for me to move forward and start to forgive myself. I can't control when others forgive me, but I can control when I start to forgive.

I also can't control outside perceptions and gossip. I've known that all along, but to prevent it, I've been trying to fly under the radar. But frankly, I don't care. People would rather talk and speculate and accuse than ask real questions and I can't do anything about that. I feel good about where I am and where I'm headed. I have the support of people I love and that's all that matters. I've shut myself down quite a bit so it'll take some time to open back up (not that I was all that open to begin with...but hey, I can try!)

My priority are my children. Doug and I screwed up but we can still try to function as a unit and we're definitely trying. There are bumps in the road because there are obviously still a lot of hurt feelings. It's a process. There will always be people who will criticize me for my mistakes and him for his, but in reality those mistakes have been made and neither of us can take them back. Both of us are taking steps to do what we can to make it right. And now we're trying to make sure our kids don't suffer any more consequences.

I guess I just feel like the rain washed away the lingering fears and resentments and insecurities. I feel different tonight. I'm actually looking forward to my tomorrows.

30 Aspen Shoots and an Axe

2010-04-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day... a day for yard work!! Eric and I totally tackled my yard. I had this dirty little secret on the side of my house... junk covered in vines. We got rid of all the junk and all the vines and mowed that sucker down! It was very therapeutic.

I know this sounds crazy, but one of our favorite places is the dump. Garrett, Carter and I love it! It's so awesome to take stuff off the truck and throw it on the mountain of garbage. It's cleansing for me, in a way. Just to get rid of all the junk!! LOVE IT!

In the middle of all the yard work, I was trying to get laundry done. Yay. And Eric had his kids to get settled after school. He came back over with his lawn mower to help me tackle the mowing. It was fun to get the lawn looking decent again. Both sides of the house were totally overgrown with aspen shoots, so while Eric was at his house I got my little hatchet and started chopping down the bigger ones and pulling out the roots. Let me tell you, it was awesome!! If you ever have any pent up aggression, get an axe and start cutting up some wood. It's a great work out (I'm sore as heck!) and you'll feel like a million bucks in the morning.

After we got all the work done, we burned the wood in my little outdoor fireplace. The boys love burning stuff and I like to indulge their pyromania in a controlled environment. Who am I kidding? Eric likes to burn stuff too! Ok, ok... so do I!

Next up on the list... my flower beds. Thanks to a certain little chihuahua.... lots of stuff is dead or on it's way.

2010-04-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

I totally have to brag about Garrett. He is hilarious. He may be a little scatterbrained at times, but the kid has a sense of humor that more than makes up for it.

I've been having the kids read out loud every night, which is something most of them hate, but Garrett loves it and he is fantastic. He is totally into the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series. Last night he was reading one of them to me and he gets the voice inflection and the exclamation and all of that dead on. It's hilarious. He had me laughing out loud. Garrett reads at a 5th grade reading level which is awesome because he's a third grader. But he just LOVES to read. He will read for hours, laughing or getting mad at his books. He really gets into stories. He gets that from me. We can both read a book in a day or two. All my kids love books. Thank goodness!!

He also does these imitations of cartoons or TV shows that crack me up. My favorite is when he does accents, especially when he does the British one from Big Time Rush. Ask him sometime to do it for you. It's fabulous! I've got to get him into acting classes.

I love this picture that Doug's friend took. She totally captured Garrett's sense of humor. He is so dang cute!! You can't help but love him. He is always giving me hugs and cuddles. I just wanna kiss him all over, but he's 8.... a mother has to be careful with the love around here. Ha ha!

Thanks

2010-04-18T18:18:00.001-07:00

We went to church today. It wasn't something I was necessarily ready for, but the boys asked to go and how can I say no to that request? Mckenzie was not pleased at all, but we went. The triplets were greeted warmly by Brother Oler, their favorite teacher ever. I don't really know what the kids would have done without the Oler's this past year. Kjrsten was their den leader and Brett is their primary teacher and of course, Brayden is their friend at school. The Oler's have showered us with love even when it wasn't always returned. So for them, I am truly very grateful.

Sitting through church wasn't bad. The kids were good. The talks in Sacrament meeting were fabulous. And afterward, the kids were so excited to go to their classes. They'd been nervous up to that point, but they went without skipping a beat. It's a testament to how much they feel at home. We'd had some negative experiences before we stopped going. It was hard on the kids to go because people say stupid things thinking that they are being kind or thoughtful. All my kids really want is for people to treat them normally, like nothing has happened. If they wanted to talk about their dad not living with us then they would talk about it. Ethan especially gets his back up because he thinks that church is the last place he wants to talk about stuff like that. What makes people think that kids want to draw on those emotions at the drop of a hat anyway? And what's wrong with just saying hi?

The kids reported that they had a great day. They had good lessons in primary and they are happy with their teachers. And today there's been a different spirit in our home. I'd like to attribute it to the gorgeous weather, but I know it's because we went to church. The kids are getting along and they are happy. They seem content, like a puzzle piece was missing and it's been put back into place. I can't fix everything in their lives, but I can fix this.

However, after sacrament meeting, I came home and cried. I'm trying so hard to let go of all the hurt, but it's still really tender. The scarring isn't complete so that skin isn't tough yet. I have realized through this process who my friends really are and who they most definitely are not. So something good has come from all this. I also know that people in leadership positions are not always your friends, that they're "goodwill" usually just translates into empty gestures. That when they are really needed, they are not there.

But I'd rather focus on those who have been there.And those who I LOVE. Those who are my balm.

I have to list Eric and his mom first. Others may not understand our relationship or condemn us because of the timing of it. But it is what it is. He is a very sweet man who is not only sweet to me, but he is kind and patient with my children. On those days I couldn't get out of bed, he was the one who called and coaxed me out, telling me I could do it. And he still sends me a text every morning. And his mother is the coolest woman. My kids love her. And they've needed someone like her these past few months.

I haven't been great at communication, but Teri Fronk has been great for both of us. She seems to have a 6th sense for when I'm having a rough day because I'll get a text. What's really cool about the Fronk's is that my kids know that when they go over there, they are loved. That Earl and Teri are super interested in everything they are shown and told. I love that about them. The best talk I've had with anyone in a long time, I had with Earl. He didn't ask anything personal, we just talked. It was so nice to just be me and just talk.

Of course, the Scoube's have been great to my kids. My boys love to go over there and play. They are super patient and equally as interested in what everything my kids have to say. Of course, Jared has converted my boys to being Laker's fans and he has Carter thinking that Mt. Dew cures everything. I'm not about to let Carter find out.

My wonderful neighbors, who love me even though they have seen and heard a lot of stuff. Who knows where I'd be without John and Brenda? They don't have kids my kids' ages, but my troops still love going over there to play. How cool is that?

My Alisa and Eddie and Amelia and Gordon and now Luke. Alisa just knows. She brings me flowers and visits and I get to hold the baby, which really is a therapy. I really don't know what I'd do without her. She is such an inspiration to me. My tall, thin, beautiful little hero. And Amelia who every time she sees me at school, I get a HUGE hug. I LOVE that.

And lastly, my sweet Abby. I should be there for her more. She manages to pull me out of my funk and inspire me. And I adore her for that.

I don't list these people to make anyone else feel bad, but I want them to know specifically that I appreciate them and love them for everything they do for me and for my kids. The last 8 months have been hard, but we're making it work. No one is responsible for helping us come back to church. Like I said, I'm so not ready to be there. I could have listed about 100 places I would have rather been, so it wasn't like some huge spiritual awakening. It was as simple as my kids wanting to go. And these people I listed have helped make it easier for them to want to go.

Thanks.

Ahhhhh....

2010-04-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

Tests are done... papers are almost done... Spring Break is over.... I just have a few things to do tonight and then I am going to take a bubble bath and go to bed. I need a vacation.. or even a girl's night out. Anyone up for it?

A Spanish Dance, A Wax Museum, and Easter!

2010-04-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

We've been busy little bees this past few weeks! So be prepared for lots of pictures. There's a lot more on Facebook.

Garrett participated in his first Dual Language Festival. He's been complaining about it for weeks, so to be honest, we were kind of expecting him to get stage fright, but he completely blew us away. He is a good little dancer and did a very good job. I got it on video, but it won't download. They danced the Chihuahua, which is not just a dog. It is a state in Mexico. We did learn that Aunt Elma's mother was born there! How cool to have that connection!

Ethan has spent the month reading about an important figure in our nation's history. He initially chose Davy Crocket, but changed his mind and decided to read about our great-great-great grandfather, Elijah Nicholas Wilson, who lived with Chief Washaki of the Shoshone tribe as the chief's adopted brother. Nick Wilson also rode for the Pony Express and brought some of the first settlers into the Wyoming area. The town of Wilson, WY is named for him. It's about 15 miles from Jackson Hole, which is where I was born and raised. Ethan wrote a beautiful report and had fun learning about his ancestor.

The 5th grade also dressed up as the historical figures they chose and participated in a "wax museum." Ethan dressed as the pioneer version of Nick Wilson who always wore a hat in later years because he'd been shot in the forehead with an arrow during an attack on the Pony Express. And yes, Ethan has a Nerf gun..... he's 10 and has a mind of his own! But I did like his display!

This past Easter weekend we spent with Eric and his kids and James and Elma. We colored eggs and decorated cupcakes on Saturday. It ended up being an all day process and it was messy but so fun and the kids were very creative. We colored lots of eggs which kept disappearing. I had no idea my kids liked hard boiled eggs so much!

We made like 6 dozen cupcakes, but keep in mind we had like 15 kids at the house. The boys had friends over and we always have neighbor kids over as well. So it sounds like we had a lot but we didn't end up with very many at the end of the day.

Easter morning we woke up to snow! But by mid-afternoon most of it melted. We'd planned a BBQ at Eric's with his family so we headed over there for the Easter egg hunt. James and Elma joined us there so we had 10 kids and lots of eggs...EVERYWHERE!!! It was fun, but then for me, it's always the more kids the merrier....but not everyone shares that sentiment. I wonder why...

After the egg hunt, Eric had cooked up lots of varieties of steak, ribs and other meats and we had so much food, we all ate till we were sick. Eric's mom, Shirley had to offer up mint tea to help the guys digest all that meat. But MMMMMM, it was so good.

Now it's the kids' Spring Break!! And I have tons of tests and papers due this week. Crazy, crazy!!

Focus

2010-03-30T22:43:00.001-07:00

You know when you're in labor and they tell you to find a focal point while you're in pain... well I'm trying that tactic while I'm attempting to survive the last month of this semester! There is sooooooooo much to do and not enough time in my day to do it! And I'm afraid if I feed my kids anything with pasta in it one more time, someone will call child services. So, I'm choosing to focus on this picture I took in the desert and see if it calms me.... or relaxes me.... or something. Or maybe I can practice Lamaze breathing... Hee Hee Hoo

Chase and Garrett get their Wolf

2010-03-28T21:00:00.001-07:00

Garrett and Chase both earned their Wolf badges at Scout's this past Tuesday. I am very proud of them, but I do have to brag about my Chase. He has been the one who has pushed himself and Garrett to complete the goals and go to their den meetings. He is such a self motivated kid and a very hard worker. Garrett gets really excited about things, but when it comes to actually actualizing them, he gets a little overwhelmed. As you can see in the picture, he can't even keep track of his Scout shirt...hmmm. It's a good thing he has a very patient brother to help him keep track of everything. I love my boys very much and I am so proud of them. They make a good little team.

Super Fun in Mesquite

2010-03-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

We had a fun little break in Nevada a couple weeks ago for my Spring Break at UVU. We've been home for awhile but I've been so sick that I haven't had the energy to do anything but lay in bed and whine. Ugh... I'm finally getting it together enough to do stuff like shower....

So we spent 4 days with my parents and my siblings and their families and my grandmother who spent her first winter in Nevada as well. We had a blast. The kids were able to swim in my grandma's pool, we had lots of BBQ's, we did lots of hiking and rock climbing and the kids got to go on their first ATV adventure. They all learned how to drive on their own. Ethan was in heaven. His grandpa let him drive by himself. Mommy said no, Papa overrode her....twice. And then my brother-in-law took everyone on a little 2 mile adventure let Ethan drive back by himself....alone. He was so excited. I was very proud of him. He was very responsible with the machines. Chase was also a great driver. He LOVED driving the machines. I let him steer on his own which he loved. Mckenzie and Garrett also liked to drive, but they were afraid of turning. Carter liked to give it some gas but was still a little unsure about the whole deal.

We also got to go on a hike with a good friend of my parents,David Bly, whom I later learned is a renowned author, journalist and photographer. He's an editor for the Desert Valley Times and has written a few books. He has also taken some photos for the Ensign and contributed most of the photos for the Ensign's article on Ghana a few years ago. Anyway, he took us to see some petroglyphs and pictographs back in the mountains. It was quite the adventurous hike for this mama, but the kids were in heaven. He was so patient with them, showing them everything and answering questions. We went through tunnels, walked on rock ledges, slid down rock faces, all kinds of crazy stuff. But it was worth it to see some amazing, untouched scenery.

It was nice to get away from everything and spend that time with my kids. They were so good and had so much fun. I also love the desert. It was incredible to be there and experience its beauty and be able to heal there.... a little.

Kute & Krazy Kids!!! (Pics)

2010-03-14T21:13:00.001-07:00

Doug works with a woman who is trying to get a photo business up and running. She and Doug arranged to take pics of my gorgeous kids and here are some of the results. I LOVE the pictures. She (Rachel) did a beautiful job! She caught each of their personalities and their quirkiness. I have cute, cute kids! (Ethan was not so cooperative...)

If I could, would I?

2010-03-10T00:12:00.000-08:00

At some point in this process, I was asked by my bishop if I could go back and make changes, would I? I answered him at the time that I would go back and change things, but not in the way he thought. I would have gone back four years ago and gone through this while the kids were younger.

I've thought about that a lot over the last few months. Tonight through some studying and meditation, if you want to call it that, I've come up with some different answers. There are times when I wish I could go back 11 years and make much, much different choices. But then I look at the 5 beautiful faces around my dinner table and know that I wouldn't do that. And if I could go back 4 years ago and stand my ground and do this when the kids were younger, I wouldn't have. I needed these 4 years to try. I had to know this is what was the best thing.

Tonight is a bad night. I really want my mom. I really want to just hand all this over to someone else and say "you feel it, I can't feel this anymore. It's too much."

Made me giggle

2010-03-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

Carter was laying on my bed with me while I was on the computer. The following took place.

Ragu Commercial: "Who's getting more veggies in your house?"

Carter: "Me."

Mommy: "You? What?"

Carter: "I'm getting more veggies. Not the dog."

Mommy: "Huh?" I rewind the commercial to see a little kid feeding his veggies to the dog. I hear Carter say under his breath: "I wish the dog was getting more veggies."

My kids are AWESOME!!

2010-03-07T20:04:00.000-08:00

We've had a good weekend, and I must say, we've been due for one! The kids didn't have school on Friday, but I did, so Doug took half a day off to spend with the kids which allowed me to attend my afternoon classes. Earlier in the week the kids had been begging me to build a fire and roast hotdogs because the weather has been so nice. However, it has snowed like crazy but the kids were insistent that we still do the fire. So while I was at school, the boys cleared off the deck so we could do the hotdog roast! Eric and his kids came over, and Chase and Garrett each invited a friend and we had our 6th child over, Mr. Brayden, so all in all I think we had like 11 kids total. We roasted hotdogs and drank kool-aide and listened to Garrett's friend, Braden Oler tell hilarious stories.

After it started to get a little dark, we took the kids to Orchard where there's a little hill by their track. We all went night sledding and had so much fun. The kids were hilarious, orchestrating "wrecks" and doing all kinds of crazy stuff.

On the way home, I had the car full of boys. I introduced them to "Chinese fire drills", not anywhere dangerous, and it was absolutely the funniest thing I've ever seen. All these crazy boys running around my car, giggling like crazy people. I loved it.

Saturday was spent doing chores. I've introduced a "check system." The kids earn a check every day for keeping their rooms clean. They can earn extra checks for doing extra chores, like helping with household chores or extra big chores like cleaning out the garage or things like that. At the end of the week, they're rewarded with a prize. It's been working fairly well. Of course, Chase is the most motivated because he's my pleaser. Mckenzie and Carter are pretty motivated because they want stuff. Ethan is somewhat motivated, but not really. And Garrett is completely oblivious. He just does what Chase tells him to do because they share a room. However, everyone at least got a check per day and were able to go to the store and buy something. They were pretty creative in what they bought. The boys are collecting Pokemon and Mckenzie is collecting Littlest Pet Shop. We had Carter's little friend with us who bought lots of gum and a soda... I apologize to his mother.

Today was our relaxing day, Mckenzie and Carter slept with me last night so we ended up just staying in bed this morning watching TV. I like to watch whatever the kids are watching so I know if it's appropriate or not. I've gotten a kick out of shows like Spongebob and a iCarley. They make me laugh out loud. I don't know if that's because I have a simple mind or because I'm exhausted 99.9% of the time. The scripts are actually pretty witty and quick. But I'm actually surprised at how many inappropriate shows are out there aimed at young kids. WOW! Anyway... the kids have been raving about this show called Big Time Rush and apparently the son of one of our ward members is in the cast. So I watched a couple episodes with the kids and it is actually pretty funny. Garrett can pretty much repeat the script verbatim, which is kinda funny. As a trade off, since I had to watch their shows, I made them watch one of my shows.... Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. We spent a good part of the day laughing our heads off.

I was reminded at how fun my kids are, how much we laugh together. The last few months have been so stressful that I've just been in survival mode. It's been nice to just hang out and relax and enjoy everything again.

"Looks like two pigs fightin under a blanket"

2010-03-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

Ok girls.... Lycra and underwire. Seriously. Is it that hard to put it on when you're gonna be in public? I'm all for comfort, but there's a line, I'm not talking about the panty line.

I was raised by a woman who will not leave the house unless she is in full make up and dressed, including jewelry and matching shoes. I have been known to disappoint her by wearing sweats every now and then to the grocery store. I have also been known to not shower until after noon. I've even been known to NOT wear makeup all day. However, I am a well endowed woman and I draw the line at NOT wearing a bra in public.

Why am I ranting about this? Today I ran into two rather large older women who were swinging quite freely in oversized T-shirts and stretch pants. If they were wearing any kind of supportive undergarments, it was not visible to the casual passerby. It was a little disturbing, considering they had heavy footsteps and there was a little bit of jiggling involved. It was also a little chilly in the building and.... well, I'll just leave the result of that to your imagination.

The cost of supportive undergarments ranges from inexpensive to very expensive... but there is something to please all women, so there is just no reason to NOT slap a little lycra on the thighs and some underwire under the girls. And trust me, cheap T-shirts and stretch pants DO NOT cover up anything!!!

I hate to sound judgmental, but I'm a little scarred. One word ladies. SPANX!!

Ewwwww & an almost FREAK OUT!

2010-03-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I bought Ethan a couple pairs of shoes from Shoe Carnival. They were having a sale and they have the kind of shoes that Ethan loves. The brand is Zoo New York and the shoes come with these key rings that Ethan also loves. I do not love them....

So, I'm doing laundry tonight and go to check the dryer and out pops these key rings. They scare the crap out of me because guess what the key rings are..... cockroaches. Big, fat, ugly cockroaches on a key ring. And out popped 4 of them. Ethan had left them in his pants and they'd fallen out. Ick, Ick, ICK!!! I'm usually ok with icky stuff because, well, I have 4 boys and we are abundant in the icky stuff in our house. But I'm not ok with bugs and big, fat, ugly cockroaches are in that category.

What made my boys roll around on the floor with laughter was that after I'd found them and jumped and squealed, I was pulling clothes out of the dryer and I stuck my head in to get the clothes stuck in the back of the drum and there was one stuck at the top of the dryer, just hanging there. It scared me too death and I squealed again.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

My New Favorite

2010-03-01T20:19:00.000-08:00

This may sound silly, but I've already bared my deepest feelings on here, so what's one more deep, dark secret? This past weekend, I finally saw Avatar with Eric and his son. My boys went to see it with their grandpa while Mckenzie and I went to see Princess and the Frog with my mom. I've kinda wanted to see Avatar, but it hasn't been at the top of my list.

However, I was completely blown away. Not just by James Cameron's obvious genius, because let's face it, the man is a cinema god. But I was completely touched by the story. It was sort of predictable. This marine who is basically performing espionage on this indigenous people falls in love with them and wants to save them, but I was more touched by the background story of this native people who are spiritually connected to the earth and to each other. It was very inspiring. I absolutely loved it. There were so many different underlying themes and stories to learn from. For anyone who hasn't seen it, I totally recommend it!

My Own Blindside

2010-02-24T15:30:00.000-08:00

The last two days have been probably among the most heart-wrenching I've had to deal with so far. I don't know quite how to begin explaining it, so we'll start with the tantrum to end all tantrums.

Yesterday, Doug took the kids overnight so I could have some time to study for my sociology midterm. I'd been making cakes all day and didn't really have a chance to study in depth. When the kids came home from school, we were decorating cakes and Doug came by to help. As kids were finishing up, he asked them to pick out clothes and PJ's to pack for his house. The kids all obliged except for Carter who had a tremendous meltdown. At first he said he didn't know what to pick out and Doug told him to just get pants and a shirt, like always. He came into the kitchen, furious and told me that his dad wouldn't help him. I told him that wasn't true and if he needed help, I would help him after I finished helping Ethan. Carter then got completely unreasonable saying that when he asks for help, no one helps him and stormed off into his room and proceeded to have a crazy, stormy tantrum.

I was busy helping the other boys and left Carter in his room, passing the tantrum off as just a fit he was throwing because he was tired. He often gets belligerent when he's tired. He eventually calmed down a little and came downstairs. He wasn't totally calm, he was still crying and refusing to get his clothes for his dad. I asked him what was really wrong and he said that everyone was making him mad. I asked him how I was making him mad and he said that I was making him go to his dad's and he didn't want to.

This is not a normal response for Carter. He loves to go to his dad's house. I assumed he didn't want to go because it wasn't a normally planned day to go and he doesn't do well with schedule changes, and I hadn't had time to explain to him why he was going.

Then he said "If I go to dad's I can't see you and if I stay here, I can't see Dad." Doug and I were a little stunned and tried to fumble around for something comforting to say. I offered to let him stay home with me, but that seemed to make him even more upset and he stormed off to his room again.

I followed him to his room and laid down on his bed with him. He didn't want to talk to me at first but finally started to open up after I tickled his back for awhile. He started talking about how he wanted to sleep in his own bed, and wanted his dad to live with us, and how he missed me when he was at his dad's. Doug came in while Carter was talking and all we could do was say we were sorry for our circumstances and that we both still love Carter so much and we're doing the best we can.

Doug promised to bring Carter over in the morning before school so he could see me and I promised to check him out of school so he could spend time with just me. Carter perked up enough to make it to the Blue and Gold Banquet. Doug said Carter fell asleep on the way to his house and everything seemed to be fine this morning when he came to see me.

Today I took Carter to McDonald's for lunch. He asked if his dad could join us, so we picked up Doug on our way. We had a pretty good time, talking about math and stealing each other's fries. After we dropped off Doug and we were on our way to take Carter back to school, I felt like I needed to remind him that it's ok to be mad or sad about the divorce and that if he needed to talk to us that he could. Then we had the following conversation:

Mommy: "It's not your fault that we're divorced."

Carter: "It's not?" (and he starts to cry and then I start to cry....)

Mommy: "No Baby, it's not. Do you know why Daddy and I are divorced?"

Carter: "No."

Mommy: "We just fought too much and we thought it would be best for everyone if we lived apart so we didn't fight as much. It's not because of you or your brothers or sister."

Carter: "You fight about me."

Mommy: "We don't mean to fight about you. What we're really fighting about is stuff like money and schedules and stupid grown-up stuff but we're not fighting because you make us mad."

Carter: "Ok."

I think at that point in time, my already very broken heart broke into a million pieces. My beautiful 6 year old baby boy has been carrying around the burden that this is his fault. I'm his mother. I'm supposed to fix the pain, not cause it. I'm supposed to soothe it and take it away, not be the source.

When we got back to the school, I asked him if he knew who the most important person in the world was. He said: "Me. And Garrett and Chase and Ethan and Mckenzie too, I guess. I know that, Mom."

At least he knows that. But it's little comfort at this point. Of all the casualties and fatalities of this divorce, I was not prepared for this. I thought Doug and I were making our best effort to help the kids feel secure. I just wasn't prepared for the blindside and the ensuing agony. Last night, every time I closed my eyes, I saw Carter's precious face as I laid beside him on his bed. His big eyes looking at me as he told me why he was mad and begging me to fix it. I wish I could fix it the way he wants it. I'm so sorry for these circumstances and making my children victims of this mess.

Cakes

2010-02-24T00:51:00.000-08:00

Cakes, cakes, cakes.... The Scout's Blue & Gold Banquet was tonight and we made 3 cakes. It was a little stressful on Mommy, but it ended up being pretty fun.

Chase's cake was a Camping by the Lake cake. It had a lake made out of blue Jell-O and trees made out of frosted ice-cream cones...

Garrett's cake was a Fort. We named it Fort G. It was pretty cool with lots of Oreo stix as trim and army men guarding everything...

Ethan's cake was a tank. It had Oreo wheels and an Oreo stix cannon. It also had Army guys ready for a battle....
We had a really great time and made a HUGE mess decorating. I'm sooooooooooo happy the Blue & Gold Banquet only comes around once a year. Especially now that I have 3 boys in Scouts. Wow!!

Words to Describe Carter... By Carter

2010-02-22T21:59:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness... I just had to put this in before I forget. We were decorating boxes tonight for the kids' treasures. Mckenzie has Littlest Pet Shop toys and the boys all have Pokemon cards. Mckenzie had me writing all kinds of things on her box, like she was sweet and sassy and things like that. Carter hands me a marker and asks me to write some things for him. I get ready to start and ask him what he wants and he says the following: Cuddly, Strong, Ticklish, Cute, Pretty Eyes, Lovable. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I was trying not to smile and be as serious as I could because, you see, this was a serious task he was asking me to undertake.

We then were getting ready for bed and he noticed an Old Navy bag on my bed. He looked inside and saw that I'd bought myself a pair of jeans and a shirt. He said, very seriously, "Mom, you should wear this tomorrow because you'll look very cute." (He was holding up the shirt as he said it.)

He is so adorable. It's hard not to just squeeze him and cover him with kisses all the stinkin' time!!

The pics above are of Carter "stealing" Chase's cake batter. We were baking cakes for the Scout's Blue and Gold Banquet and Carter just couldn't help himself. I walk back into the kitchen from taking out the trash and this is what I see. Sneaky kid. He was just giggling and having a grand time.

What do I start with?

2010-02-22T16:09:00.000-08:00

There was a man who had the opportunity to visit both heaven and hell. His guide took him to visit hell first where he saw banquet tables filled with every delectable food you can imagine. The tables were beautifully set and the aromas were mouthwatering. However, as the man looked around, the inhabitants of hell were emaciated and frail. He noticed that although the inhabitants had the ability to pick up the food, their elbows did not bend so they could not put the food into their mouths to feed themselves.

The guide then told the man they would now be visiting heaven. But when they arrived in heaven and the man looked around, the scene that met him was quite similar to the one he left. The extravagant banquet tables were filled with delicious foods. In looking at the inhabitants of heaven, he noticed that they also could pick up the food but they could not bend their elbows to put the food into their mouths.

Perplexed, the man questioned his guide; "Is hell the same as heaven?"

The guide simply shook his head and directed the man's attention toward the inhabitants of heaven. They were happy and exuberant, healthy and well fed. The man didn't understand. The people could not feed themselves.

"How is this possible that they are so happy and not starving? Is it magic?"

The guide shook his head.

"Notice," said the guide, "they feed each other."

*******

This story was in one of my sociology books in reference to support groups. I have been thinking about it non-stop since I've read it. I had a former friend compare me to another friend who has recently found herself single through circumstances she couldn't control. The former friend asked me why this single friend found it so easy to cling to the gospel and why I was having such a struggle.

For awhile, I didn't have an answer to that question. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe my faith isn't that strong. But in really evaluating myself and my faith and my belief system, I have decided that it isn't true. Here are my thoughts....(some of them aren't pleasant, so bare with me)

My faith has not changed. My belief in God and my Savior is still as strong as it ever was. My spiritual intelligence has not dimmed. I heard my bishop once describe someone as having the light of God or the word of God written on their heart or some such nonsense because that person was strong during a crisis. I think if you have a relationship with God and the Savior, you have "the word of God written on your heart." No one can take that away from you and no one has taken that away from me. I know who I am and where I came from and ultimately where I'm going. My goal in life is to teach that to my children.

I am not weak. Through out my life, starting at a very young age, I have found the ability to dig very deep for the strength to not only survive a situation but to learn from it. When skin in wounded, especially deeply, it heals from within and leaves a scar that is made of tougher skin. I have a lot of that tougher skin. The key is to let the wounds heal.

Now, with those two things being said, I want to answer the question of why am I not displaying the kind of faith my single friend has? This is where my story comes into play.
This single friend is easier to feed. People want to feed her because her circumstances were not of her choosing. She is a beautiful woman with beautiful children and it is easy and pleasant to serve her. It's a little uncomfortable to speak with her sometimes because you don't always know what to say to someone in a situation of change, but people want to feed. They want to be seen feeding her. It's socially acceptable to feed her. She won't be after anyone's husband and her circumstances won't infect anyone else's home or family. In fact, serving her is looked upon as a strengthening tool for the family.

So, with so many people wanting to feed her, she feels comfortable being around those who want to feed her. It's not always easy for her because sometimes people want to shove things down her throat, but for the most part, she knows people want to help her and love her. They call and email and stop by. They stay in contact. She knows she's loved. And it's not just individual people, it's church organizations who also want to feed her. Who want to make sure she and her children are full and happy. They have all flocked to her to support and love her through this change in her life. When there is so much love and support, no matter how difficult the situation, it's easier to find strength when grappling with your faith.

Then there's me. There are a few of my close friends who have fed me and some who have inconsistently tried to feed my children. But for the most part, we have been feeding each other. I am single by choice. There are other circumstances attached to my issues so it's uncomfortable to feed me. It's not really socially acceptable. No one is going to want to be seen hanging out with me. Church organizations have basically left us for dead, so we depend on each other, a select few friends and we're beginning to rely on some family members. When I said in my last post that I didn't feel comfortable attending church, I should have said we. As in, my children and I don't feel comfortable attending. It's not just a random decision not to attend. So, it's a little more difficult to find my strength and faith when I lack in support.

Now, I realize this is not the Church of Bishop so-and-so or the Church of the offensive ward member, but Bishop so-and-so and offensive ward member do make it difficult to attend. I was always taught to attend church for comfort in times of trial but when you don't find comfort at church, what do you do? When you have to start over with your support system, what do you start with?

Go Away...Unless you love me, then you can stay

2010-02-16T23:32:00.000-08:00

Do you know what I find strange? People who complain about something, and don't do anything about it. For example, all those people who complain about radio talk show hosts like Howard Stern or Glen Beck or Dr. Laura. There are really people who hate those radio talk show personalities, and yet they continue to listen to those shows and complain about everything they say, even to the point of sending death threats! I mean, seriously... if something bugs you that much, STOP LISTENING! Change the channel! Listen to someone you LIKE! For heaven sakes! Some people baffle me.

One of the sad things about divorce is that friends often end up choosing sides and feel that have to dislike or hate the "offending" party of the side they chose to defend. This has happened with us and it sucks. I don't like it. Our marriage didn't work out and we may not like each other so much right now, but we haven't really changed as people and we do share children so this kind of thing is really stupid... but it is what it is. So, in light of this, I recently discovered that someone has been reading my blog and taking super offense to just about everything I say, especially the "spiritual" stuff.

I have been struggling with some personal things relating to church. I haven't been attending. I have had some real struggles and do not feel comfortable going, in any way, shape or form. I don't even like going to Scout meetings. These are my feelings and mine alone and I will deal with them in my own time. However, I don't see how this revokes my right to feel spiritual feelings. And I don't see how this wipes out my spiritual or emotional intelligence. Am I to forget the many things I've learned from my many readings of the scriptures? Am I to forget all the things I've learned from conference talks and firesides and things my parents have taught me just because I'm struggling? I would think that a time like this would be the BEST time to remember ALL the things I was taught and try to apply them the best way I know how. But somehow by doing so, I'm labeled a hypocrite or worse.

I have always marched to the beat of my own drum and have never fit into the molds I was supposed to fit into. At the moment I feel a sort of sense of freedom. Not a freedom to go out and commit any sin I choose, but a freedom to reevaluate what it is I want and where it is I want to go. And if that makes anyone angry or hurt or bitter, I am sorry. But this is my life. I will do what is best for my children and what is best for myself. And we will be just fine.

And if my blog is in any way offensive or angers you in any way.... then I have some advice....

GO AWAY!
unless you love me, then you can STAY!

Precious "Flashback"

2010-02-10T20:31:00.001-08:00

My laptop bit the dust last week so I resurrected my old desk top that we haven't used in years. I decided to go through everything that was on here and I am so happy I did. Here are a few precious pictures I thought I'd lost. These were taken shortly before we moved into the house we live in now. Ethan has just turned 6, the triplets were 4 and Carter was 2. I want so much to reach into the pictures and hold my babies. Especially Ethan, who is almost taller than I am. Where did it go? It goes by so fast and it just slips through my fingers. And now I'm sitting here crying like a baby. But really, I just wanted to post these so you all could see how cute they all were... all chubby and shiny... my babies.

When does safe become controlling?

2010-02-07T20:12:00.001-08:00

So here's a question.... my kids are begging to have sleep overs. I have said no for years and I keep saying no. I am so uncomfortable with the idea of sleep overs. My neighbor gave us the idea of having "late-overs" where friends can come over and have a kind of pajama party where we have snacks and play games and watch movies till about 9 or 10 and then the friends go home. But more and more, they want their friends to stay over. Now, I'd be ok with friends staying over here, but that opens the door for friends wanting my kids to stay at their houses. And that's a whole other can of worms.

But then, am I really ok with kids staying at my house? Not really. I love kids and always give them the benefit of the doubt, but you never know. There's a child that is really close to our family and I've always adored him, but recently he's been acting out in strange ways. I don't care for him any less, but some of the things he does and says make me worry. So, that leads to the question of do we really know who our kids' friends are? And do we really want them staying in our homes over night?

The option of having my kids stay at someone else's home over night is just something that makes me so queasy that I can't even think about it.

I look at it as being safe, as keeping my kids safe. I don't just say no without having a reason. I do tell them why I don't like sleep overs. I want to arm my kids with information so they stay safe. It's like that guy says from America's Most Wanted, it's better to make sure our kids know the truth and be a little scared than to have to identify them in a morgue. This was a man who's child was kidnapped and his severed head was found 2 weeks after his abduction. Sounds a little extreme, but I would so much rather be safe than sorry.

However, am I crossing the line into being too controlling? Or as my sons call it, over protective? Where do you draw the line?

Update/Correction.... Rushing to Judgement

2010-01-30T21:02:00.000-08:00

Although I do not take back some of the things I wrote in an earlier post regarding the safety of our children, I do feel I need to take back some of the things I said about who I thought were the perpetrators in hurting my daughter. After some harsh words, said by me, and hurt feelings on both sides, these people came to my home with the sweetest apology and explained their side of the story. They apologized for hurting my daughter's feelings and for offending my son (however, he did have a part to play in that one.... dang kid) and they left me with a sweet letter and even a gift.

I want to apologize to them, here on my blog, even though I've done it in person, for the nasty things I said to them. Many people who know me are aware of the big mother bear, incredible hulk, monster mother thing that happens to me when something negative happens to one of my kids. You can call it overprotective, My sons call is over-sensitive, I call it natural. But I should learn to stop and think before I let my mouth take control and ask questions before I accuse. So, to these people, I am so sorry.

I was astounded that these people would come to be with an apology even after the things I'd said to them (which were not nice) and how I'd basically accosted them in written form on my blog. They were willing to forgive me and have since served me. It has softened my ordinarily tough heart. I also learned that my son had done something to offend their son, which was something that should have been taken care of long before this misunderstanding erupted.

I do stand by some of the things I said in my earlier post. We do need to make sure we are nurturing each others children. We need to love them and aid in their development. We certainly don't want to be the people children look back on in their adult years who derailed them in some way in their goals.

This experience has also led me to think about how quick we are to judge. So since all this mess has taken place, I've made it a goal to be more open minded and open hearted towards others, no matter what. I've always felt that I'm pretty accepting of people, but it's the "letting them in" part that I'm not that good at. So after I started school, I started to talk to more people instead of judging them on their outward appearance, as we all tend to do. I have made some amazing acquaintances and have had some incredible experiences. I don't think I'd have been open to any of them if I hadn't had this previous experience.

I've also noticed how closed minded most of us are. As Christians we claim to be tolerant and loving, but we're not. We steer clear of that which is different or unusual or whatever makes us uncomfortable. Believe me, if this explains you, you are missing out! You don't have to let go of your iron rod to talk to someone different or to befriend someone different or even to love someone different. My goodness, how else do you expect to do missionary work if everyone you befriend is the same as you?

That's my little soap box for today.

Another Student of the Week

2010-01-27T20:46:00.001-08:00

Mckenzie is finally Student of the Week. This is her first time and she is so excited! I am excited for her. Her request for a celebration is to be checked out of school and taken to Wal-mart to buy a new pillow..... Ok, I can do that. She cracks me up.

The other day, we thought we'd lost her. She didn't come home after school with her brothers, so for about 45 minutes, Doug and I panicked and I cried and almost became hysterical. I was putting juice away in the fridge when a paper from Primary caught my eye and I realized that she was at Activity Days. It wasn't on my calendar because I forgot to make a note of it and the adviser had sent me an email, which I hadn't received, instead of calling. It was a misunderstanding, but in those horrifying 45 minutes, I lived my life without my precious red-head and let me tell you, it was empty. When she came home and her brothers told her how worried I'd been, she told me that she knew that even if she had been stolen that she knew I'd find her no matter what. At least she has faith that I'd move mountains to find her.

I've said before that Mckenzie is like a little mother. Let me relate a little story. One night, she and I were alone and watching The Princess Bride. We were talking about her dad and I told her how sorry I was that we were all in this situation and I hoped that she would forgive me someday. She put her little hand on my face and said, "It's ok, Mommy. I just want you to feel better. I love you." This is an example of how precious she is, not an example of what a good mother I am. Another example is that she told a friend of mine that she sleeps with me so I don't cry at night, not because she's scared. Again, an example of how sweet she is, not of what a good mother I am because I would never think to put that kind of emotional responsibility on my child. She wants to take care of everyone. She came to me that way. She's been that way from the time she was tiny, or tinier than she is now.

Anyway, that's my daughter. The precious child who wants to buy a new pillow to celebrate being student of the week! Gotta love her!!

Plan B

2010-01-23T22:38:00.000-08:00

Never in a million years did I think that I would find myself here, alone with five kids, struggling with my testimony and basically starting over with everything. But I am. For awhile I had such anxiety about it, like there was something wrong with me. I'd wake up some mornings and think that I was such a failure because my plans for myself had fallen by the wayside.

Here is something I've discovered. You cannot fit a square peg in a round hole. It's common sense. Everyone knows this. Yet some of us go most of our lives trying to do this. I have spent the better part of my life trying to figure out how to be someone I am not. I am not meek. I will not be quiet. I cannot sit by the sidelines and do nothing. I cannot pretend that something is ok when it's not. I have tried that for years and I am not ok doing it anymore. I can't feel something I don't feel. I can't be someone I'm not. I put forth that effort. I did it for my kids. I did it for my parents. I did it for Doug. I did it for the church. I did it for the two pieces of paper, one that said I was married till death and the one that said I was married for eternity. And I emphasize again that I did it for my kids. And for all these reasons, I had to stop.

So what about Plan A? What about my temple marriage and my eternal family? What about my happy life? What about it all? I was baking one day during Christmas, putting together one of my kids' favorite cakes. I make it from scratch and it's moist and gooey and we all love it. I messed up part of it and had to throw it out and start over. And it hit me, I can start from scratch. Or rather, my kids and I can start from scratch. As I mentioned in my last post, I've had to learn to do a lot of things and I'm re-learning many things about myself and rediscovering things about myself that I forgot about. Things that I actually like.

My mom sent me a poem in the mail the other day called Plan B that is so perfect, I had to post it.

Plan B
by Suzy Toronto

Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where everything
Works out to be happily ever-after.
But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out verson,
Where nothing goes as it should.
It's at this point that the real test
Of my character comes in....
Do I sink, or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self-pity and play the victim
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine....
Life is about how you handle Plan B.

In my Student Success class we've been discussing being a victim or a creator of circumstance. I choose to not be a victim. I choose to be a creator of my circumstances. To make wise decisions and to move forward with a happy life for my kids and myself. At the moment, their happiness is the priority. I need to make sure that their childhood is happy and safe and that their environment is conducive to those things. I have to provide that so I need to make sure that I'm happy too. A victim can't be happy. Victims are never happy. And I look at being their mother as a "get to" not a "have to."

Change

2010-01-20T20:18:00.000-08:00

These past few months have been, well, in a nutshell, hell. Sorry to offend anyone out there with sensitivities to profanity, but seriously, I don't know how else to describe it. It's been an emotional drain. But it's also been something else, a learning process.

I've had to learn to live alone. I've had to learn to parent alone. I've had to learn to be more forgiving. I've had to learn to be more patient. I've had to learn to be more self-sufficient and self-reliant. I've had to learn a lot.

None of it has been easy. And I've kept to myself a lot. In fact, in an email from my bishop, he told me that someone had told him they tried to befriend me and I didn't reciprocate. I don't know who that was, but to whomever it was, I apologize. It wasn't because I don't want a friend, it's because these last few months, it's pretty much been all I could do to just hang on. And frankly, the last thing I've wanted to do was talk about what happened and I assumed that's all anyone wanted to discuss.

Anyway... in my sociology class, a quote caught my eye about attitude. It said something to the effect that a positive attitude was the only thing we could control in our circumstances. Obviously, we can control the choices we make and thus, the consequences that follow, but sometimes bad stuff just happens. In those situations, it's our attitude that we have to depend on. What can I gain from this experience? What can I learn? Where do I go from here?

Something else I learned is that adversity is necessary for growth. All Mormons know that from Alma. We wouldn't know the sweet if we didn't experience bitter. We wouldn't know exquisite joy if we didn't experience exquisite pain. Those things don't happen without conflict or adversity. It sucks, but it's true. Do I like that? No. However, as awful as the last few months have been, I can either decide to exercise it as a muscle and use it for my good or I can let it sit and fester and become flabby and bitter. Again, Alma also said that the Lord will turn everything around for our good. Even a divorce.

It's all about the silver lining, folks. I think these accumulated experiences from my divorce have made me more of a realist than an optimist, but I still look for the silver lining in situations. I can't stand to remain stagnant in my misery. I have to get past this. And most of all, I have to show my children that it's possible to pick one's self up by one's boot straps or to cowboy up or to get back in the saddle or whatever.

My biggest change occurred when I walked into my first class at UVU. I swear to you that school is like my church. It's almost like a spiritual experience for me. Maybe like sex or a drug. It's addictive, like a high. It's definitely a stimulant. I love it so much and it's opened up parts of me that I forgot about. Hey... I am smart! Hey... I can have an intelligent conversation! Hey... I can talk about more than bodily functions and who needs to stop hitting who! It's brought me out of that black fog of despair and anger and self loathing. It's motivated me to be better. I feel like I'm a better mother for sure and a better daughter and sister. I'm at least trying harder to be those things. And I'm working on the friend part.

Back to the friend thing... Going through something as humiliating as a divorce, or this divorce, is so other worldly. There's no other way to describe it. And for someone like me, who is a little more on the private side when it comes to certain things, this has been absolutely mortifying. So talking to others isn't exactly high on my priority list. It isn't that I stopped loving my friends. I just need some time to sort out how I'm feeling. So much has changed with our little family and I'm trying to figure out how it all works.

Bragging about my Baby

2010-01-07T23:10:00.000-08:00

Before I forget, I have to brag about my Mckenzie. A few days after Christmas, she and I attended a birthday party at Pirate Island by the mall. She was playing in the arcade with her friends when she found a ton of tickets, maybe 100 or so. Instead of keeping them, she decided to walk around and find who they belonged to. She found a little boy who was crying by the entrance to the arcade, who had lost all his tickets. She gave them back to him and resumed playing her games.

Mckenzie came to tell me about it. She said the little boy broke her heart and she felt so good when she gave him back the tickets. I asked her if she wanted to keep them and she said no. She knew if she lost so many tickets, she'd want them back. Can you believe that? She's 8 and she thinks that way. I love it!! Her dad and I must be doing something right. She is such a little mother, it shouldn't surprise me that she'd do something like that. I just love her to pieces. My little red-headed ZZ.

Catch up!!

2010-01-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

WOW!! It's been a whirlwind of a Holiday Season. I can't believe it's January all ready!!

We had a wonderful Christmas and New Years. Just before Christmas, the kids and I headed down to Mesquite to spend a few days with my parents. My mom and dad took us to the St. George Temple to see the lights and we watched the movie "Joy to the World" in the visitor's center. Also in the visitor's center, they had a wonderful exhibition of Christ's life in photos. It was absolutely beautiful and very moving. After that, we headed back to my parent's house and opened presents. My parents give the kids jammies and a book for Christmas, so the kids spend the evening reading their favorite books which included Diary of a Whimpy Kid, Junie B, Fablehaven, Captain Underpants, and Doctor Seuss.

We came home just in time for Christmas Eve. I spent the day cooking, making our traditional ham and stuffed mushrooms. Sooo yummy. Doug came over and we ate dinner, read our Christmas Story (If You're Missing Baby Jesus) and opened our Christmas Eve Presents. The next morning, Doug came over early to open gifts and stayed to put things together and play with the kids.

Later that day we were invited to Christmas dinner at my friend Eric's aunt's house. We had prime rib and opened more presents. (she was so sweet to get my kids gifts!!) It was such a nice and relaxing day.

On the 30th, Eric took me to Arizona to his Grandmother's house near Winslow. It's on the Navajo Indian Reservation there. When I say "near" Winslow, I mean about 40 minutes from there. It was absolutely beautiful and I loved every minute of it. His family was so welcoming and sweet. They took us to Albuquerqe, NM and showed us around the Old Town. I also got to see the Painted Desert (although it was covered in snow.... ) and the North rim of the Grand Canyon! For those who know me, I was in absolute heaven. I LOVE the desert!!!!!!!!

The day after we got home, school started for the kids and two days after that, school started for me at UVU! I am totally loving it. I have always enjoyed school but I was in 7th heaven on Wednesday. I just couldn't stop smiling. I took the kids to campus this evening because I had to buy a book that I couldn't find online. They've been begging me to take them to my school. They were so cute asking me all kinds of questions and wanting to see everything. I am just so excited about this decision.

So, that's the catch up... I'll try to keep this updated!!

Student of the Week

2009-11-30T21:24:00.000-08:00

My Chase is Student of the Week!! I am so proud of him. He is such a good kid. Everyone loves him and Mrs. Morgan has said that she would love to have a whole class full of Chases... (she said that about Ethan too...) Chase is such a hard worker and I know I've said it a thousand times, but he has come such a long way in such a short time. It's mostly because of his hard work and his self motivation. He amazes me!! He is so enthusiastic about school and primary and scouts that it's hard not to be enthusiastic for him. I adore him... even if he doesn't wear a belt and he has to hold his pants up when he runs... silly boy!

Precious Children

2009-11-28T19:23:00.000-08:00

Today it occurred to me, that predators we should fear where our children are concerned are not just those who physically abuse our babies, but those who emotionally and spiritually damage them. Those predators come in all shapes and sizes and claim to be Christians. They even come in our homes in their suits and ties with gospel messages and prayers they leave with our families. And yet, they do not practice what they preach. Those very people will actually lie to our children, hurt their feelings and send them home in tears. Those very people will be reasons why our children will not want to attend church or go to scouts or other activities. Those very people will plant seeds of doubt and anger in our children. Those people who are supposed to be members of our ward families, who we are supposed to turn to in our times of need and distress. Who should be helping us nurture these children and overcome these obstacles we face. I know I have done what I can to love the children in my ward. I have taught them in primary and welcomed them in my home and loved them as my own. I have shown them love and kindness. Sadly, that has not been returned to my babies.

I speak from experience when I say that words and actions can hurt young and tender feelings. I had church leaders say harsh and unkind things to me when I was young. Unwarranted things that I had such a struggle to overcome, even into my adulthood. One careless adult can derail a well intended youth, especially one that is hurting already.

We were placed in wards to support and uplift each other because no parent is perfect. I believe I am a good mother with good intentions and I think my kids are good kids. We are struggling right now, but I don't think my kids are acting out in unusual or destructive ways. However, if they feel abandoned by those they trust, they could. I feel my only option is to lock down even further to protect them the best way I know how. Lock out the bad and the careless. I already fear for them when they leave my home to go to school. I spend a lot of time at the school and on the phone with teachers. Now I'm worried when they go out to play with neighborhood friends because I obviously can't trust the adults in my neighborhood to make wise decisions in how they treat my babies. Will I be able to trust that they will be treated well in primary or will I have to follow them there as well?

I'm so disappointed right now. My children are my life. I love and value all children. How could anyone think to treat them badly?

The Sun Still Rises

2009-11-20T12:44:00.000-08:00

It's not a shock, I'm sure, for anyone to hear that divorce sucks. I have days when I think I am completely fine and then I'll be in a store, or the bank, or at the kids' school and it hits me so hard that my family, as I knew it, is over and I can hardly breathe. What makes it worse is that I made the choice to end it. I tend to forget what I'm doing. Usually standing in an aisle or staring at a child. I snap back and collect myself and force myself to move forward.

People keep telling me I can't keep holding in my sadness. Honestly, I don't think I deserve to be sad. I did this. So I've started giving myself about an hour every night after the kids go to bed to cry and be sad. And then I pull it together. It doesn't matter how sad I am. My kids are more sad. And I have to show them that I can still create a happy and safe home for them. And that even though their dad is not living here, we can still be a family. A different kind of family, but a family nonetheless. We don't love them any less. This had to be done to stop the fighting.

It also doesn't matter how sad I am because I have to get up in the morning. I can't fade away no matter how much I wish I could disappear sometimes. It's so hard not to fade away when my kids are away for the weekend. Believe me, I desperately want to fade. But the sun still rises every morning and I force myself to get up and go about my business.

I may not want it to, but the sun still rises and I am so thankful for that.

Happiness is a Choice

2009-11-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

I tell this to my kids all the time. Happiness is a choice. We choose to be happy. People don't MAKE us happy. No one can take our happiness away or give it back to us. I have to remember that. I find myself in circumstances that I've created and it's sometimes hard to get up in the morning and often hard to even breathe in and out. But I have to remember that I made choices and I can't have it all. So just like I have to choose to put one foot in front of the other when I don't want to, I have to make the choice to be happy. All the small decisions I make for myself and for my children and for our future have to reflect my choice to be happy. Like Leona Lewis sings in her song, "so what if it hurts me, so what if I break down... I just wanna be happy..."

Today I am grateful for the ability to make that choice. That I can see past these obstacles and know that even though I've made huge mistakes that I still deserve to be happy.

One last thing... to all those people I may have hurt, either knowingly or unknowingly... I'm so sorry. I am not a person who seeks to offend. Recently I really don't know which end is up so I may do or say things without intending to. I have a quote I display in my living room that I try to implement in everything I do when I'm dealing with others. "Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it the most." I'm hoping others will extend this to me.

Sweetest Thing in the World

2009-11-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

Carter entered a poem in this year's Reflections Contest. The theme is "Beauty Is..."

This is Carter's poem:

Beauty is...
by Carter Montrose

Beauty is
Jesus
My Mom
My Dad
My Grandpa
My Grandma
My Papa
My Nana

I don't have the words to describe how absolutely beautiful this is to me. Beauty to me is my six year old baby boy recognizing beauty in these people. Today I am thankful for that.

Grateful for Being a Woman

2009-11-09T18:35:00.001-08:00

Normally, I'm not always happy about being a woman. I have had so many female problems and I honestly can't remember what it feels like to just feel good, to just wake up and not have something cramping or hurting. But today as I was talking to the mother of one of my friends, I started to think about how absolutely wonderful it is to be a woman.

I am reminded of the scene in Steele Magnolias with Sally Field as she is mourning the loss of her daughter. She says "As a woman, I realize how lucky I am to be there as that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there as she drifted out. It was the most precious experience of my life." Now, frankly, I could never fathom the loss of one of my precious babies, however, I realize how perfect that statement is. How lucky I am as a woman to be able to experience the miracle of being a mother.

I'm facing the decision of permanent birth control. Not just for obvious reasons, but because my female issues are getting more and more out of control. It's a surprisingly difficult decision to make. The choice to give up the ability to create and carry a baby is not easy. I probably wouldn't be able to carry a baby to term if the opportunity ever presented itself down the road and if I ever chose to do so in the future. And the fact that I'm now in my 30s added to my female issues just adds to the negative results of trying to even conceive a healthy baby. However, I am missing those days of feeling that growth inside me. Knowing for the first time that I'm pregnant. Feeling the movement for the first time. Watching my stomach grow. Preparing for the baby, or in my case, babies.

And then my favorite part, pushing my baby out and having him placed in my arms. Seeing him for the first time but knowing him immediately. I missed that with the triplets, they were rushed away from me so quickly after their births. But I remember finally being able to hold them and knowing them... knowing they were mine. Watching Ethan bond with them... he always wanted to hold all three of them at the same time. And later, he and Mckenzie would hold Carter constantly.

I loved the first few days of having babies at home. The sleeping and feeding schedules when I could do nothing but hold them. I miss that too.

Of course, I've loved every stage of being a mother and I'm enjoying this stage. I love when the kids come home from school. When we can do homework together and talk about their classes and their day. I love being able to have adventure days or playing at the park in the dark. It's so fun to be able to hang out with them and hear their stories and listen to them interact with each other.

I am so grateful I was born with a heart that can embrace others, no matter what their situation. I find it so easy to love other children and nurture them as my own. Being a Sunday school teacher and a primary teacher were callings I loved so much. And I love having my house filled with children. I never resent having my kids' friends here. It's so easy to love them. I'm so thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me a heart like I have. I used to hate that it was so easily broken, but I've learned to appreciate it for what it is.

So today, I'm grateful for being a woman. I'm thankful for being a mother and a nurturer. It's the hardest thing in the world but it's also the best! I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Being Thankful

2009-11-04T20:36:00.001-08:00

My friend, Nancy, is doing this on her blog... since it's November and Thanksgiving is this month, she is posting something she is thankful for every day. I decided to "steal" her idea because frankly, I need it! I need to be reminded of what I'm thankful for.

Today I am thankful for my healthy and happy kids. They are the light of my life. I look forward to hearing them walk through the door when they come home from school. One of my favorite things is our dinner time tradition. I ask them what their favorite thing of the day was and what was the worst part of their day. They come up with some hilarious and sometimes insightful things to say. And always, always, always, my Chase asks me how my day was. I love it! And not only does he ask, but he listens.

I'm so thankful for my friends. For their love and support. And especially their comfort. Even though I know I lock myself down, they are persistent and always there.

And as much as I love the sounds of my children, I'm grateful for the quiet time of my day after the kids go to bed. Sometimes it's lonely, but most of the time it's good to decompress and plan my next day.

Cute Carter

2009-11-03T21:17:00.000-08:00

Carter was a Biker Dude for Halloween. He was so dang cute. At the trunk-or-treat, our friends, the Johnson's, pulled up on their bikes and I just had to get a picture of Carter on Byron's bike!! He is so adorable!! I love it.

He's been such a stinker lately. He was throwing huge tantrums for awhile. I'm such a mean mom... I'd ask him to do things like eat his dinner and that would induce an all out, on the floor, kicking and screaming fit! We've gotten the huge tantrums down to a minimum, he now goes into his room to throw them. It's kind of funny, he'll get mad when I tell him something he doesn't like. He'll hold his breath and stomp off to his room and slam the door and then let out a scream or a grunt like a mad bear.

I've noticed he hasn't been sucking his thumb as much lately. Maybe that's contributing to his dramatic behavior. Who knows?

He's still darling when he's asleep though. I just sneak into his room at night to watch him sleep. He is the most beautiful child. It's so hard to watch him grow up. My baby.

Halloween Costumes!!

2009-10-31T13:55:00.001-07:00

My kids are so fetching cute!! So here's the low down on what they are this Halloween:

Ethan: US Marine (His face make up is sooooooo cool if I do say so myself. I'll post better pics later.)

Garrett: Ninja (his face make up is cool too)

Chase: Rockstar (he has a super cool guitar which was the major part of his costume)

Mckenzie: Glitter Ghost (She is sprayed from head to toe in glitter. Too cute)

Carter: Big Bad Biker Dude

They were so so so so so excited. I love how excited they were. I hate Halloween, but seeing how cute they are gets me all excited! Love it so much!

Chase

2009-10-28T19:49:00.000-07:00

NO! I DID NOT PUSH HIM OUT OF THE CAR....

Poor baby Chase!!! He started out having a great day but it didn't end so well for him!

He had his 3rd grade IEP this morning and we found out that he will be done with speech by Christmas break this year!! How exciting is that? We were pretty sure he'd need speech therapy for the majority of his elementary school experience but coming this far in 4 years is phenomenal for this kid! I am just BURSTING with pride.

Chase is a super hard worker. He knows he has struggles, but it NEVER stops him. I never have to ask him to do his homework. He just does it. He is the best helper to me. When he was sick this week, he voluntarily did his homework while I was in the shower instead of watching TV. He thought it was a better use of his time. How awesome is that?!?! All of his teachers have loved him. And who doesn't love him? He's almost perfect. (He just won't let me kiss him in public)

However, on his way home from school, he was running after his brother and fell. He must have face planted or something because he has totally scraped up his nose and forehead. He also scraped his shoulder and knee. I felt so bad. According to him, he was lucky Conner Scoubes saw him fall, so Conner ran home to get Sister Scoubes who rescued Chase and brought him home. So, thank you Sister Scoubes for saving Chase!!

Today

2009-10-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

I try not to post negative things.... but the last 10 days have been less than fun. It started when I did something to my back. I'm not sure what I did. We were playing around at Bridal Veil Falls and I slipped on a rock. It didn't hurt or anything. But on the walk down to the car, my back started to tighten up. We drove down to Canyon View park for a picnic and I could really feel some pain. I decided to lay down on the grass while the kids played. That was a BIG mistake!! The next thing I knew... I couldn't get up! It hurt so bad. And it was like that for about a week. It's still stiff but I can function.

To add to my fun, every single one of my children has been sick. Of course, they don't all get sick at the same time. They get sick one at a time. So one child or another or several have been home from school. Doug helped a little by taking the kids to his house for an extra night last week but I still had kids during the day and WOW!! My poor babies... they just hung out in my room, many times both of us ending up crying. It was pretty sad.

And to top it off, as much as I love fall, I HATE Halloween. And Ethan just added the cherry to my sundae today. He wanted to be an army guy for Halloween so we've been gathering things for his costume. I was supposed to take him to Uncle Sam's Army Navy Outdoor store this evening while Mckenzie was at dance but we passed Halloween USA. He HAD to go in. He found this Master Chief costume from Halo and wanted it so bad but it was $40!! There is no way I'm spending that kind of money on a cheaply made costume that has a mask that he can't even wear to school! I said no. He threw a fit. He called his dad. His dad said no. He threw an even bigger fit. Fun. I wanted to push him out of the car on the way home, but I didn't. And not just because there were witnesses... but because I do love the kid and I knew I would eventually feel bad.

It's very hard to come home at the end of a crappy day, put cranky kids to bed and sit alone in a quiet house. Usually I clean or something until I'm exhausted but tonight I'm just sitting here. I would cry but I can't. My friend lost her husband recently and I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. I made this choice to be alone. Her choice was made for her. So I shouldn't feel like this.

I am frustrated at the turn my life has taken. Or at the turn I've allowed it to take. Part of me would like to push the rewind button. But it's a small part. I've read my partriarchal blessing a hundred times over the past several months and I think that even though I made some mistakes and I veered off the course, I'll be ok. Everything happens for a reason and everything can be turned around for my good and for the good of my precious children. We'll be ok. We'll be better than ok.

I just keep thinking that I made it through another day and I still have 5 out of my 5 original children. I didn't have to replace any.

Fall

2009-10-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

I love fall! It's my favorite time of year!! This past weekend the kids and I did tons of yard work. We made a contest out of it, the winning team got slushies. (Kenzie and Carter worked their tiny butts off!) While cleaning the backyard, we found a baby snake that Mommy picked up with her bare hands!! We now have a new pet named Fluffy. It's actually kinda cute!

We decorated for Halloween and bought pumpkins, ranging in size from super big to teeny tiny. And then after church on Sunday we went up the canyon for a hot dog roast. It was so peaceful and relaxing!

Their Mother is Out of Control!

2009-09-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

So, I'm doing the single mommy thing. It's been super fun. I'm exhausted. Ha ha. My children are awesome and they are holding up very well with the whole separation thing. I have to give kudos to Doug and I because I think we've tried to keep things as normal as possible. However, apparently since Dad has been gone, Mommy has taken over the household and I've begun to torture everyone. Here is a list of things are my children consider to be torturous:

Taking baths
Cleaning rooms
Picking up anything and putting it away
Eating only one snack after school
Waiting till after dinner to play Wii
Cutting finger nails
Putting laundry away
Wearing socks with shoes
Brushing teeth
Wearing clothing that matches
Feeding and/or taking care of their pets
Doing homework
Drinking water instead of Koolaid or soda

I have been informed I am out of control. During a bedroom inspection with Carter on Saturday, I informed him that shoving everything into his closet was not how we clean rooms in our house and I told him he needed to clean his closet. After flopping around on his floor for awhile and screaming at the top of his lungs, he finally calmed down enough to ask me for my phone. I asked why he needed it, assuming he was going to call his dad. He said no, he was going to call 911 because I was the meanest mom in the world. Ethan informed me on the way home from church as I was instructing everyone what to do with their church clothes when they changed that I was out of control because I was insisting on keeping everything like it was Spring Cleaning day or something like that. Argh!

Do they still sell Calgon?

Back to School

2009-08-20T09:18:00.001-07:00

The kids started school today! Garrett and Carter were up first and dressed by 8 am, complete with backpacks, and waiting in the living room to go to school. They don't go to school till 9:30. I did have to remind them to eat breakfast, brush their teeth and put socks on.... They were so cute. Anyway, everyone did eat breakfast with their backpacks on. It was hilarious. I loved it.

We're excited about everyone's teachers. I think we'll have a good year!! We've had Carter's teacher and Chase's teacher before, so we know we'll love them!

So here's to a good year! Go Windsor Wildcats!!

Wordless Wednesday:

2009-08-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

The Big Day!

2009-08-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

Our triplets were baptized on Saturday, August 1st. It was the most incredible day! I can't even explain how amazing the spirit was and how sweet my children were.

Doug baptized all three kids and then he confirmed Garrett, Chase was confirmed by his Grandpa Rick and Mckenzie was confirmed by her Grandpa Jim. All three children were given incredible and very specific blessings. The kids planned their own program, choosing whom they wanted to speak and calling those people and asking them on their own. They were so excited for this day, as were we. I hope they will remember it. I know we will never forget it. These babies whom we waited for and prayed for and agonized over. Garrett who wasn't supposed to make it through his first 24 hours and Chase who had struggle after struggle after struggle and and tiny Mckenzie who amazed every doctor who ever touched her. We just can't believe this day has come and gone and they are so big and gorgeous. We're proud of the decision they made to be baptized.

Mckenzie

2009-07-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today we bought Mckenzie's baptism dress. She tried on about 10 or 12 and finally decided on the 3rd one she tried on that we both fell in love with. Of course, Mommy was holding back tears the entire time. Kenzie even told me I was being ridiculous..... ha ha. I just can't believe that my baby girl, who weighed 3 pounds when she was born, this baby girl who could fit in her daddy's hand, is now 8 years old and getting baptized. I am overwhelmed.

I am not trying to take away from the face that Garrett and Chase are being baptized too. I am just as overwhelmed over them as well. But I haven't been shopping with them yet. And they are too rowdy to have a sweet experience with. Mckenzie is precious and sweet. From her perfect little spirit to her beautiful green eyes. I just can't wrap my head around this!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-29T22:11:00.001-07:00

BIRTHDAYS!!!

2009-07-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

Super Long Post Ahead....

As most people know, Carter and the triplets have birthdays within 3 days of each other. It makes for a very busy July. To top it off, my mom and dad also have birthdays very close to my kids' birthdays, my mom's is a week before and my dad's is smack in the middle of the kids. YAY! It's like Christmas is July.

For the past several years, we've gotten away with celebrating ALL the birthdays together. We'd go to Chuckee Cheese or a water park and the kids loved it. However, this year, everyone had something different in mind. So we did four different things and the kids had a ball. We did too but we were a very tired mommy and daddy!

Carter's birthday is the 16th. He chose to go bowling at Fat Cats with his friend Richard. Thank goodness for free kids' bowling this summer! Then in Montrose family tradition, we broke a pinata at our house and let the kids swim.

Carter getting ready to bowl

Knocked down 6 pins on his first try! Better than Mommy!

Carter and his buddy, Richard
Carter HATES cake so we do a "donut cake"

Mckenzie decided she wanted to have a girl's day with her BFF Jasmine:

We started the day at McD's for breakfast

After loading up on bling, we got pedicures at Le Nails
Our super cute toes!

We did some light shopping and got the girls pics done at Kiddie Kandids.
It was a super fun day!
Here they are looking like serious shoppers!

Chase chose to go to Trafalga with his friend Tre. Once again, thank heavens for free passes! Woot! We started the day at McD's and then headed to Trafalga where we went mini golfing, played at the arcade and took a ride on the go-karts. It was soooo fun!

Tre & Chase at McD's. Getting excited to start the day!

Chase getting ready to shoot his first ball....

Waiting for the go-karts... it was so hot, but we were so excited.
Doug and Chase won. I think they hid a power boost button in the go-kart.
Tre and I tried and tried to beat them but our go-kart sucked.

Enjoying some slushies after the go-karts! YUMMY!!

Garrett got to have a pool party at the new Lindon Aquatic center with his friends Christian and Kaleb. It's a way cute place and the boys had a blast! I didn't get a lot of pictures because I was afraid of getting my camera wet.

Garrett is the one coming down the slide.
The boys spent most of their time in the lazy river and on the slide.

Christian, Garrett and Kaleb

After we got back from the pool, we got ready for the triplet's birthday party! We had the best cake made at Macey's:

It had a Scooby Doo for Chase, Tinker Bell for Mckenzie and Star Wars for Garrett!
We loved it! We had originally decided on a Scooby cake but when we went to buy it,
they had sold it. I was so bummed that they girl at the bakery offered to just
put some toys on a cake. I had no idea she'd decorate like this!
I was so excited!! Especially since it was still in my budget and everyone would be happy!!

After cake, we opened presents and broke not one, not two, but three pinatas.... yes... we have triplets who have minds of their own! Garrett had a monkey pinata, Mckenzie's was a Tinkerbell and Chase's was a Darth Vader head. The whole neighborhood will be sugared up for days!! You're welcome.

All in all, it was a blast! But I'm super happy that we have a year to recover! I can't believe my babies are 8 and 6!! Where does the time go?

Oh No! I'm one of THOSE people!!

2009-07-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

I got to looking at my page and I realized something. It looks like a scrap book. An online scrapbook! A freaking scrapbook! It's finally happened! I've crossed over.... pretty soon you'll see me at those parties, cutting things out. I'll be talking about scrapbooking stuff. No.. I can resist. No offense to those women out there who can be the scrapbooker. It is a creative thing to do and I admire those with the patience to do it. I tried it once, I even went to a little party where they were selling things. I even tried to keep the mocking to a minimum so I wouldn't embarrass my friend. However... I just can't do it. But look at my Blog. It's all cutesy and stuff. And what's worse is that I LIKE it! This is what living in Utah Valley has done. Either that or it's because I'm getting older. I'm going soft. I need to go find me some leather pants and a biker. Man oh man!

Things I forgot!

2009-07-12T19:31:00.001-07:00

I didn't necessarily forget some of these things, I just couldn't find the camera and thus, get these pics off the camera to post them! I've been using my phone for pictures. So, I'm finally able to post these cute pics!

Carter's Graduation:

Yes, my baby graduated from Kindergarten this year! We are officially out of the baby years. It's both sad and exciting. We'll miss Mrs. Vitters! She is a great teacher. She has been so good to our family. She also taught the triplets when they were in Kindergarten and I wish we had more kids to send to her. Maybe we can talk her into just moving grades as Carter does!

Carter with Mrs. Vitters

Carter with Richard McAlliser and Bryton Tanner, his two best friends in his class! They were way too interested in their popsicles and everything else that was going on around them!

My little man with his diploma. He'll be a big 1st grader!!

Ethan's Pioneer Day:

The 4th graders had Pioneer day at school which Ethan was so excited about it. It was very special for him because his class was reading Among the Shoshone. It's a story about his great, great, great, great grandfather, Elijah Nicholas Wilson who lived with the Shoshone Indians when he was a boy. He is my grandpa Bill's great grandfather. We had Nick Wilson's cabin on our property in Jackson.

Anyway, Ethan was excited to dress up like a cowboy and tell his teacher about our relationship to Nick Wilson. It was very cool!

Playing at Bridal Veil Falls:
Every year we take the "hike" to Bridal Veil and take pics on our first hike. It's one of our favorite places to go in Utah Valley. This year, our first trip to the falls was kind of late because it's rained so much, but we finally got there in June between rain storms and took some great pics.

4th of July

2009-07-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

Doug and the boys at the pancake breakfast.

Ethan and Garrett fought it out with gigantic boxing gloves.
Garrett ditched his gloves and jumped on Ethan's back! You can kinda see his head.

Garrett on the bouncy slide

All of us got our faces painted. We all looked super cute and very festive!

Daddy and Uncle James were right there on the slip and slide with the kids
totally racing them all.... too funny!!

We had the coolest 4th off July. We went up to Layton to spend the holiday with my family, as has become our tradition. We took part in the Layton Liberty Days, enjoying a big pancake breakfast put on by the scouts, watching the local parade and shopping the many booths at the festival. It was so much fun. The kids got to get their faces painted (and Mommy did too) and we let them play on all the bouncy slides and stuff in the park. Later that afternoon we had a BBQ at my aunt's house where we set up the 3 lane slip and slide and wore out the kids and stuffed ourselves full of all kinds of good junk! That night we lit off fireworks in my aunt's cul-de-sac. It was awesome because we could see the Layton fireworks, the Clearfield fireworks and the Syracuse fireworks all from my aunt's house. Way cool!!

Then, we went back to my grandma's and the grown-ups stayed up till 3 am playing cards. Doug kicked our trash. In my defense, I was exhausted and off my game! Ha ha!! We tried to have a rematch on Sunday and he kicked our trash again! Gotta love him.

The best Daddy

2009-06-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

Last week was Father's Day and I've been slow to write about the best Daddy ever, the Daddy to my babies. We tried to give him the most relaxing day we could and ended up having a fun day. My sister-in-law and I made Doug and my brother a HUGE breakfast (actually a late, late brunch) and then my grandma came from Layton. We played card games and then just lounged around and visited. It was a great day. Doug was honored with some golf clubs. He joined a beginners golf team at work and I'm all for anything that takes him away from playing World of Warcraft. He bid on some clubs on Ebay and won them, so he got a terrific deal on some nice clubs which his dad chipped in on. So Doug got pretty lucky. He deserves it for being a great dad. He's very involved with our kids and he's a great example to our boys on what a Daddy should be. I hope they all grow up to be just like him. He's also the best Daddy to our little girl. Mckenzie is totally her Daddy's girl. She'll know how to be treated by a man when it comes time for her to look for her own prince charming.

I'm honored to have good men in my life. My own dad who is amazing in every way. He is hardworking, determined, optimistic, hopeful, cheerful, giving, kind, compassionate, creative and he never gives up. My grandfather, whom I loved dearly was talented and creative and literally made his dream come true by turning his family's home stead into a successful chuckwagon dinner show. My father-in-law, Rick is kind and gentle and my husband's grandfather, Paul is intelligent, sweet and a great teacher. I am the beneficiary of all of these men because my husband is the product of all of these influences. Doug is my source of strength, he's my calming influence, he's my better half. I am so blessed to be his wife. And I am so blessed that he is the father of my children. (well, most of them anyway...half the triplets, I think... just kidding!!)

Shoe Therapy

2009-06-15T18:20:00.001-07:00

The last week or so have been emotional and most people who know me know that I'm not good with emotional. So today I decided that my friend, Kim and I needed some Shoe Therapy. I had a little money put aside from my birthday so we hit BOGO at Payless. I have added to my family of shoes and my collection of purses. I feel it's important to do this particular type of therapy to spare my children from such things as yelling, throwing objects, tearing out of the hair, slamming doors, and other such things that result in frustration or anger at actions such as leaving shoes in the middle of the floor, using all the paper in the printer for comic books, drawing pictures on the clean windows with brand new lipgloss, throwing dirty laundry on top of clean, folded laundry, taking bathes and not actually washing body parts, using words such as ball or nut for things that are neither a ball or a nut in front of their grandmother. You see, I always feel it's better to say "Hi babies! Mommy's home!!" Instead of "Mom is home! Run and hide!"

Yes, shoes are good therapy.

Oquirrh Mountain Utah Temple

2009-06-10T22:44:00.001-07:00

For FHE this year, we've been trying to follow the Primary's theme of Family's are Forever. (not sure if that's the actual theme, but that's what we're going with...) So this week for FHE we talked about the importance of temples and we took the kids to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open house. It was so amazing to be able to take the kids inside a temple and show them the different rooms where different ordinances are performed. The rooms that meant the most to them were the baptismal font and the sealing rooms.

Doug and I were sealed to each other and to Ethan when Ethan was 5 months old in the Logan temple. It was neat to be able to explain to Ethan and the other kids about the signifance of that day in the setting where the sealing ordinance takes place. The kids really liked the mirrors and how they were a symbol of families being forever.

Mckenzie and my neice, Edil loved the Bridal room. I told them that temples are where princesses like them are supposed to get married and made them both promise to get married in the temple. Of course, Mckenzie got all embarrassed but she promised me but Edil was all wide eyed and completely impressed.

We were going to take pictures when we were done but when we walked out there was a HUGE storm brewing and we got caught in it on the walk back to our car. By the time the little shuttle thingy got us back to our cars, we were completely soaked. It was hilarious and will hopefully make the event very memorable for our kids! I hope it made an impression on them and it will be important to keep themselves worthy to go to the temple some day.

Mommy Moment

2009-06-08T21:38:00.001-07:00

Recently we had a precious neighbor go through an extremely difficult struggle and our family has been praying for them and looking for ways we can help. Last night, in the mayhem of getting kids in bed, I walked into Garrett and Chase's room to tuck them in and there was my little Chase, kneeling by his bed. He was praying for our neighbor by name and asking Heavenly Father to bless her that she will feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost. That was my mommy moment for the week and probably for the year. I think my heart was about to burst from how much I love that kid. He is the sweetest boy and others don't get to see that very often because he is so shy. I love every moment of being a mommy, but these moments make it all worth it!

Princess Me

2009-05-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

So it was my birthday on the 27th (in case you didn't hear my yelling it from the roof tops...) My husband and best friend, Kim made it an amazing day! My office was filled with pink balloons and flowers. Soon afterwards, I received my pink tiara and a ring to match which I wore for the entire rest of the day, of course. Kim treated me to a massage and a facial at Salon DeLeon (I think.) It was PURE heaven. Then my husband took me to see Angels & Demons which was my FAVORITE Dan Brown novel and really close to one of my favorite books ever. I also got to buy a new dress and a shirt to go with my white skirt. So all in all, I had a heavenly day. I just had to brag. My husband spoils me a lot, but it's not every day that I get to wear a tiara. This picture is not the most flattering but it's the only one I have with my beloved pink jewels. Ha ha!

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

Chase's boredom often leads to creativity.....

Of course these boys fell asleep 10 minutes before we got to my parents' house.
They were driving us nuts before that!

The kids at Weeping Rock. I have no idea what Chase is doing with his shirt!

My cute mom and dad when we were walking along the river

The kids overlooking the valley at the Weeping Rock

Our whole cute family at The Patriarchs

We went to visit my parents in Mesquite over Memorial Day weekend. It's been our tradition since we've been married to go visit my parents over the holiday weekend because it's my birthday weekend and my mom and dad make our birthdays and event! This weekend we went to Zion's National Park and took the shuttle thru the park. We did the short walk to see the view of the Patriarchs. Then we did the trail up to the Weeping Rock. That was the coolest! We tried to get some good pictures of that. It was so lush and beautiful, with water just dripping out of the sandstone and flowers and plants growing out of the stone. It's one of those reaffirming moments when you know without a doubt that there is a God and He lives. Our last stop was the River Walk where we saw lots of different micro-environments, desertscape, swamps, etc. It was really amazing. I grew up in the shadows of the Tetons in Wyoming and Idaho but I do believe that Utah is the most beautiful state!!

We had a wonderful weekend and I had a wonderful kickstart to my birthday. My parents took us to see Night at the Museum, Battle for the Smithsonian. The kids loved it and it cracked us up! It was hilarious. We made snow cones and played in the gorgeous weather. My mom is her ward's Relief Society president and she took me along with her to visit a couple sweet sisters in her ward and I was able to listen to her wonderful lesson that she taught on Sunday. All in all, it was perfect and rejuvinating. I love to spend time with my precious kids without the pressure of work and school and all the other nonsense we have to deal with. And of course, I love to spend all the time I can with my amazing husband!

Of course, we remembered those who have passed on. We play in memory of my grandfather, whom I still miss with every beat of my heart.He is the one who taught me to appreciate the beauty of the outdoors. And now Matt who's passing is still so fresh and still so painful, but he would have been the first to join the hiking in Zion's this weekend. He loved the outdoors. I know they are well and doing work for us on the other side.

My Ethan is TEN!!!!

2009-05-18T20:09:00.001-07:00

So my baby turned 10 on May 16th!! What? Where did that come from? He just turned 1 last year!! Where did the time go?

He asked to have a Luau/water party. I was really worried about it because May weather can be unpredictable, but the day was beautiful and we had so much fun! We decorated with palm trees and tiki torches and leis and grass skirts. The boys had lots of water toys and got to soak each other over and over. We put the pool up and also had a way cool slip and slide. We break a pinata for every birthday in the Montrose family, so this year Ethan's was a treasure box. It was pretty cool. Ethan asked for and received lots of Lego's (poor vacuum) and a new scooter and some much needed clothes. He said it was the best birthday ever! Well, what do you expect when you turn 10 and enter into the double digits??

Happy Birthday Baby E!!

Mckenzie's Dance Recital

2009-05-18T20:01:00.001-07:00

Mckenzie is in dance and her dance recital was this past weekend. She had 5 performances at the Covey Center for the Arts in Provo. Her dance number involved a scooter. It was very brave of her teacher to attempt that one. Ha ha! Anyway, Mckenzie is adorable, with her crazy, teeny, tiny muscular body. She's such a shy little thing, but she LOVES to perform and be on stage. It cracks me up.

I'll post her professional dance pic when I get it. It's so cute!

My Boys

2009-05-02T17:40:00.000-07:00

Carter

Chase

Dog pile

Garret getting some serious air

Doug and I were grocery shopping today (I still can't drive) and we were passing the meat department and I asked him if we needed any meat. He said no, he'd been stocking up on meat that had been on sale every time he'd gone grocery shopping. I realized then that I've been living in an alternate universe for the past few months. Usually, I'm the "stocker-upper." But my loving, if not over-protective husband, has donned most of the household responsibilities. He is slowly relinquishing some responsibility to me.... but I have spent the better part of the last few months in my room, with the blinds drawn, trying to get rid of or live through the latest headache or recover from the last seizure/stroke. I help the kids with homework in my room, I play games with the kids in my room, I read to the kids in my room, we do a lot of things lately in my room! I am so sick of my room!!!!

Today, my husband took a much needed break and went to a movie with my brother and brother-in-law, so I took advantage of "my time" and hung out with my kidlets. I burned some CD's for Ethan and Chase, played some games with Mckenzie and tried to be enthusiastic about the rolly poly bugs my kids have adopted as pets. (ick)

I was working up the energy to clean up dinner when I looked outside and noticed it wasn't raining anymore and Garret, Chase and Carter were jumping on the trampoline. I grabbed my camera and just started clicking. Before long we were all laughing like maniacs. Usually I'd be on the tramp with them, but I can't do that for now, so taking the pictures was almost as much fun. I got some good ones of them catching some good air. They are soooooooo cute.

Well, I'm off to have a popcorn pajama party with my babies. I haven't seen Bolt yet. I hope it's good!

EEG

2009-04-28T08:46:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my EEG. For now, it's the last of my tests. However, next week we have an appointment with another neurologist so I may have to do this all over again. Argh!

Anyway, here's a picture of all the wires going into my hair. Carter asked if they were checking to see if there was too much dust in my head or if my brain was still alive. Thank you, Doug for putting that idea into his head! But it does go along with my new mantra lately... if I can't laugh at it, I'm gonna cry!

Mckenzie's New Look

2009-04-24T20:33:00.001-07:00

My super brave little girl decided to cut FOUR inches off her hair! She looks so cute!! Her hair is all shiny and now it seems redder. We had bangs cute which didn't turn out the way I wanted, but the hair cut is darling. My little pixie elf!!

Crazy Hair Day 2009

2009-04-23T14:08:00.001-07:00

Today was crazy hair day at school! We always have fun with hair around here, so this morning was fun trying to come up with cool things to do. All the kids came up with their own styles. Ethan's is hilarious. I had no idea his hair was that long.

Holes in My Brain

2009-04-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

This post is to all of you who think I am ignoring/avoiding/hiding from you, etc. I'm really not trying to ignore anyone. I am ill. Very ill. It's official...I have holes in my brain!! We're not 100% sure what is wrong with me. I've had many tests done and have many more to go. We have ruled out MS and cancer. YAY! We were thrilled and relieved that we won't have to deal with that. However, my MRI apparently shows areas in my brain that have restricted blood flow. As many of you know, I have frequent migraines. I'm usually able to get rid of the headaches with caffeine and Ibuprofen but the migraines have become more frequent, meaning daily, and intense. A couple months ago I had one hit me at work. It came on very fast and I ended up in the ER... a place we have come to know very well and hate very much! The doctor there called it an A-typical migraine and gave me some fun drugs and sent me home. Then the fun stuff started to happen. I have a terrible memory.... just ask my kids! Well, all of a sudden, I was forgetting huge chunks of time. And then, I was having brief blackouts and eventually had a fainting spell where I was unconscious for several minutes. That has now happened twice. Then to make things more exciting, someone would be talking to me and I wouldn't be able to understand what they were saying.
So.... my neurologist thinks I'm either having mini-strokes or small seizures. Our family doctor and the ER doctors that we're growing to know and appreciate, are all leaning towards seizures due to the frequency and characteristics of my episodes. I am on anti-seizure medication which I have to gradually increase every four days until I am at my full dose. Every time I take an increased dose it makes me very sick. However, the headaches are getting fewer and farther apart and they've become more managable.
I have not shared this with many people. I HATE feeling weak and I don't like people feeling sorry for me. However, I decided to share it today because my husband is dealing with a lot. He's basically doing everything and it's beginning to wear on him a little. He needs support and relief.
I can't drive, I get worn out very quickly, I get sick a lot, etc. It's been rough on him. He rarely complains and he's been amazing.
That's my story for now. If I don't seem to be talking to you as much or have not returned phone calls or emails, it's not because I don't love you! It's just because I'm either afraid of sounding like an idiot or I just haven't had the energy.
I have faith we'll figure this out. We've had some amazing help from the bishop. We just now need the support of our friends. I don't want a bunch of people feeling sorry for me, though! I'm not dying! I'll be up and running again soon...kicking butts and taking names! I promise! I was even out weeding my flower beds this morning so I'm getting back on my feet.

My Baby

2009-04-01T12:29:00.001-07:00

Ethan loves babies, always has. My sister was visiting last night and Ethan asked to hold the new baby. He sat with her for a long time, touching her hands, feet, nose, ears, and kissing her sweet chubby cheeks. He would talk to her in a quiet voice and rock her a little. He is the sweetest boy.

Let me say this about Ethan, from the day he was born, I always felt that he knew more than I did, that he was smarter than me. I still believe it to this day. There is something about him that is gentle, wise and strong, just like his dad. How many 9 year old boys would sit and hold their baby cousin like that? Even though he's so tall and growing by the minute, he's still my baby.

Peace in Motherhood

2009-03-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

I have been having lots of struggles lately and have had to rely heavily on the testimonies of others to get me through some rough times. I've been struggling to find some peace or at least something to focus on other than my own stupidity.... I got the strongest impression during church today to find peace in motherhood. I looked over at my gorgeous kids, who were being remarkably good during sacrament meeting and I felt many anxieties melt away. My children have been amazing. I try to shelter them from as much ugliness as I can and I am continually amazed at how perceptive they can be. They are the best part of Doug and I. I am so fortunate to be their mother. They are funny, bright, imaginative, and talented in so many different ways. Ethan is my rock of a kid, he's the responsible one who tries to be the third parent. Garrett is funny and sweet and energetic, he keeps us entertained. Chase is quiet, hilarious and such a hard worker, he is an inspiring kid. Mckenzie is articulate and loving, she's like a little mother, she keeps us on our toes. Carter is cuddly, tender, and charming, he is our baby and we wouldn't be complete without him.

I also have to say something about my husband.... My friend said something about him once that hit me like a ton of bricks. She said that Doug does things for his family that even the best husbands don't do. He is an amazing man. He's a good provider, a good father, a tender friend, and, well... good at many other things!! When I went back to work several years ago, we agreed to let things be 50/50 where our children and where household things are concerned. He truly does do more than most husbands do. He cooks and cleans (he's a MUCH better cook than I am), he helps with grocery lists, laundry (sometimes...I'm anal about laundry), homework, baths, etc. We may not have a lot in the way of temporal things, but we have everything we need in each other. We've had our problems but we have an eternal marriage... so no matter what comes our way, it's worth it to stay and work it out and make it better. Doug is my centering influence. When my emotions and/or hormones are going in all different directions, he is the calm, sweet voice that soothes me and brings me back to earth.

So... this has taken a detour from my usual sarcasm and humor, but I felt I needed to say these things publicly. Let my friends and family know how fortunate I am to have the husband I have and the children we have. Having 5 babies in 4 years has made me a little crazy and has added extreme stress to our finances, our relationship, and other things. We may not have it all together, but together we have it all! (How cheezy am I?)

Catching Up

2009-03-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

So.. it's been awhile since I've really updated our blog as to what we've been up to! We've been so busy so far this year... it's hard to believe it's MARCH!!

I'm posted a short picture video. In February, Ethan had the Blue and Gold Banquet. We made a Nevada cake. The theme for the banquet was patriotism or something like that. Ethan loves Nevada because that's where his grandparents live and we have tons of fun when we go down there. Garrett and Chase were introduced at the banquet this year because they will be turning 8 in July and will finally be scouts. I got to get up and say a few things about them.

Also in February, we attended the wedding of my cousin, Makai. The pictures didn't turn out so good because the lighting was dim but I got some cute pics of the kids in their new church clothes!

The last pics are of Mckenzie and her BFF, Jasmine. They call themselves heaven sisters. Cute, huh? Anyway, they got to have a late over/girls night where we did makeovers and watched girl movies. It was way fun!!

Perfect Pixie Piper

2009-03-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

Pixie Piper
Mckenzie and Piper

I have a brand new neice! I am so excited. My sister gave birth to Piper Allsup on Thursday, March 5th. Piper weighed 7 pounds 8 ounces and has lots of dark curly hair. This is my sister's second baby girl! Eve is the proud big sister. Eve calls her new sister her "Baby Popper." It's too cute!

I LOVE my neices and nephew. Who knew I would feel so attached to them?

No More SNOW

2009-02-18T12:17:00.000-08:00

Desert or the beach? At this point, either will make me happy! I am so sick of waking up to gray mornings and freezing temps. I'm ready for sun and flips flops and lemonade. Does anyone know if the groundhog saw his shadow? I can't take anymore SNOW!!!

Another Student of the Week

2009-02-10T17:09:00.000-08:00

Carter is our newest Student of the Week! He was so excited when he found out. He had to call his dad and our friend Kim as soon as we got home. He says he will keep his certificate forever. He's a smart kid and we're so proud of him. He got to have ice cream last night for his celebration.

2009-02-07T21:52:00.000-08:00

I finally had a chance to post our Disneyland pictures. We went with my parents and grandma and we had so much fun! We spent 3 days in the park and partied hard! The boys got to do a Jedi training, they even got to fight Darth Vader and Darth Mal. Mckenzie got to meet Tinker Bell and some of the Disney princesses. Here are some of our pics:

We

Hope

2009-01-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

Today is Sunday. I woke up with a headache which is a result of stress, major stress and grief. Three weeks ago we suffered a major loss in our family.

When I was growing up, we lived in Jackson Hole on a small ranch. My grandparents lived in the big house on the property. My family lived in a small house just a few yards away. My cousins, Josh, Scott and Nick lived across the creek. My aunt and cousin Jennifer lived in Utah, but Jennifer spent her summers in Jackson with us. We were more or less raised as siblings. Jennifer is 6 years older than me. Josh is a year old, Scott a year younger, James (my brother) is two years younger and Nick and Shay are 5 years younger. We were each other's best friends and playmates.

Jennifer is my idol. She is beautiful and strong and intelligent. She has suffered through a lot in her life and one day, she met her prince charming. They were kinda like a PG-13 version of the Brady Bunch. He had 2 boys, she had 2 girls. They lived happily ever after for 8 years.

Five days after Christmas, Matt died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism. He collapsed in his living room as he was getting ready to leave for work. Jennifer found him there. He was 40.

The last few weeks have been a blur of grief and anger. None of which I care to get into. So today, I woke up with a headache after dreaming of Matt. I don't really want to go to church. But as my wonderful husband was telling me that we could stay home I realized I want to go. But not for the reasons you'd think. I'm very angry right now, so I have yet to find comfort in the gospel. The comfort I'm seeking is in a small, autistic nine year old boy whom I teach in primary.

Over the last few weeks I have completely fallen in love with this kid. He will sit beside me, his legs crossed Indian style on his chair, with his little hand in mine. Or he will sit on my lap, usually with a hand in my hair. Every once in a while he'll briefly look at me, I don't know if he is seeing me but I see him and I can't help but kiss his little cheeks. I can't even explain how much this has helped in the way of healing. It's like somehow he has offered me hope. And I realized that I need it today.

New Year

2009-01-09T22:24:00.000-08:00

Well, it's 2009! Christmas break is over and the kids are back in school and we're back at the grind. Doug and I have both been busy with end of year "stuff" at work. (I have another name for the "stuff" but I'll try to keep this PG)

We're all extremely excited about going to Disney Land in a little less than 2 weeks! Our trip is our Christmas gift from my parents. I'd say they gave us the best present ever!

Until vacation, Doug and I will be working ourselves silly. But it'll so be worth it!

Happy New Year to everyone!

Christmas

2008-12-28T18:38:00.001-08:00

We had a wonderful Christmas! Like I've said a million times, this is the best time of year. We've been able to do fun things like drive through the lights at Willard Bay and then visited Santa and his reindeer. Well, I should say that Mckenzie and Carter visited Santa. The other boys announced that they're "too old."

We also took a wagon ride through the lights at Thanksgiving Point with our friends, the Fronk's. It was way cold but I had Andraia on my lap and she kept me warm.

A couple nights before Christmas, we went caroling with our neighbors. That was so fun. My kids did NOT want to go but once they got out there and started singing, they really enjoyed it. Hopefully that will be a fun tradition every year.

Christmas Eve was at our house. My parents, brother and his family and my sister and her daughter all came to our house. Doug, of course, cooked all day and made the best meal ever! The kids opened their presents from Nanna and Papa that night. All the grandkids got new jammies and really neat books. We also did a little nativity and sang Christmas carols. I have to say, my kids are so cute!

Christmas morning, the kids were so excited to open presents and then commenced to spend the rest of the day protecting their toys from their dad, grandpa and uncle. We had many a nerf gun war and robot wars... I'm still finding nerf bullets everywhere. Christmas evening we went swimming at my parents' hotel. My little nephew is a little fish. He's 13 months old and was determined to spend as much time in the water as he could, giggling the whole time! My kids had races across the pool. Chase is a mighty good swimmer!

Today is Doug's birthday. We just had a quiet family party and then Doug and I will have a hot date sometime this week. He's always a good sport. I love him to peices.

All in all, the Montrose's had an awesome Christmas! I'm bummed that it's come to an end!

Cutest kids!

2008-12-18T17:07:00.000-08:00

My mom had pictures done of all her grandkids over Thanksgiving break. These are two of my favorites of my kids. The second one will probably be my all time favorite for years to come. It is a visual of every day life with my kids. However, I must say that Chase's expressions in both pictures crack me up. He was soooooo NOT into posing. It was like pulling teeth.

2008-12-16T12:10:00.001-08:00

Garrett is Student of the Week this week! We are very proud of him. We're also extremely thrilled that he could reign in his energy long enough to get his school work done. He hasn't decided how he wants to celebrate, I'm just hoping it's not something too crazy!

Actually, Garrett is a very good student. He's good at everything he tries which is fabulous. The downside to that is that he gets very frustrated when things don't go his way.

Life would be boring without Garrett!