Thoughts on Joy

A friend of mine raised the question of whether or not there is a difference between happiness and joy. I readily told her there is. I've always believed that happiness is a temporal state, brought on by things, situations or events where joy is a state of being. I looked up both words in the dictionary and they had similar definitions, but pretty much reinforced my beliefs...

Joy is the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires.

A happy person is favored by luck or fortune or a person who is notably fitting, effective, or well adapted.

But I've been thinking more and more about the difference and how they apply to me. I have never really believed in coincidences. I think this question was brought to me for a purpose, as was the entire conversation we had the evening it was raised.

In the scriptures we're told that men are that we might have joy. But we are also taught that we must experience pain to experience joy. Attaining joy is a process, a learning process, where happiness isn't really so much something we learn. I think it's something that is more accumulated.

Happiness doesn't usually exist in times of grief or loss. It doesn't for me, anyway. When things or people are taken from me, I can't be happy. But I always have joy. Especially now that I'm a mother. I always find joy in my surroundings, my home, nature, and my family. And now I find exquisite joy in my children. All of these bring me more than happiness, it goes deeper than that. It's something that's rooted in my being. Even in my darkest moments, dimpled cheeks, bright blue eyes, sweet freckles, chubby little toes, sticky kisses, precious giggles, and warm snuggles soothe my soul and can always bring a content smile to my face. On the same token, a blue sky against snow capped mountains, sweet smelling rain, colorful blossoms, clear running streams, blankets of green grass, and red cliffs bring the same response. No matter where I am or what my circumstances, all these things offer more than happiness. They anchor the roots of joy.

I've been struggling hard with my desire to be part of the church. I've experienced a lot of anger and resentment these last several months. I've realized that the majority of my anger is directed towards a very small handful of people. These people acted in the name of Christ in some private matters and claimed to have had the spirit of discernment, however that doesn't mean I should have allowed them to alter my relationship with my Savior. I've learned from my parents that no matter what has happened, I should rely on what I know and what I feel. Those people may have represented the Savior, but they don't now. And people are wrong all the time. And these people did what they thought was right. Hopefully they sleep well at night.

I have struggled with the church for so long. Probably the majority of my life. The logical part of me has trouble with a lot of things. However, the spiritual side of me found such joy in the gospel. And I separate the church from the gospel, because yes, the church is full of imperfect people who can drain our happiness. But the gospel is perfect. No one can alter it or change it. It is full of joy. That is what I need to focus on.

Another of my dear friends bore her testimony on Sunday. She told a story about the trek the youth took awhile ago. When they got to their camp site, it was full of grasshoppers. Laying tarps and things didn't help at all and the kids were really distracted by the bugs. It was not a conducive environment for a testimony meeting or anything of the kind where the spirit could be present. Soon, a little bit of rain started to fall, to the disappointment of the leaders. However, they soon discovered that the rain made the grasshoppers go away and they were able to have their meeting where the spirit was strong. The rain wasn't an ideal situation but it helped solve the bigger problem of the grasshoppers.

I think I've had a lot of grasshoppers over the years. And I've needed a break this past few months to gain some perspective. The break was my rain storm that has kind of washed away the dust and bugs and even though the grasshoppers are still there, they are not as distracting. Somehow the spirit touched my precious children and encouraged them to go back to church. And in that environment we rediscovered the joy of the gospel.

First Semester Down... Whole Rest of My Life Coming Up!!!

Today I took my last final. It went so smoothly and I feel very good about it. I also received my Sociology term paper grade. A perfect score! Yay for me! My first semester back at UVU ends on a very, very good note.

So, Eric took me out to lunch to celebrate and of course, ended up buying me shoes. He knows his way to my heart. SHOES! They're cute!

I feel like I just climbed a mountain and I'm looking over the valley and it's good. It's sooooo good. I did it! I'm doing it! The kids and I have our whole lives ahead of us and it'll be good.

Little Miss Sass

Oh my goodness. Little Miss Sassy-pants and I have been having a bit of a power struggle lately. I'm not sure what to do with her. She is usually such a good little thing, does what she's told, and is pretty responsible with her things and her time. That hasn't really changed, but we're experiencing a lot of back talk. And I mean A LOT. I'll ask her to do something and she'll immediately say no. It doesn't matter what it is I'm asking, she says no. It could totally be something that benefits her, she just says no. Getting her to get dressed, brush her teeth, allow me to fix her hair, eat her meals, clean her room, do her homework, ANYTHING is a huge power struggle. She'll do it, but she will whine and complain and stomp around.

The newest thing is completely bewildering to me. Every night I have the kids select an outfit for the following day. It has to meet my approval. We do this to prevent fighting and arguing the following morning. The kids feel they have control over what they are wearing because they are choosing their clothes and I have veto power if it's too scary. Well, Mckenzie does this every night, as per routine, but every morning she changes her outfit. It's usually something that is more appropriate to wear to bed (it has holes in it or it's too small.) I ask her to change it, she says no, I say yes, she stomps into her room and slams the door. It's been happening EVERY MORNING. Why? I ask her every night if she's happy with what she's selected for the next day. She says yes, and then the next morning there's a struggle. I don't argue with my children because I just don't. I'm the final word. However, that doesn't prevent them from throwing huge tantrums.

She speaks to me as if we're on the same level. Like we're not mother and daughter, more like we're peers. It makes me crazy when she says "I'm going to my friend's house." Umm, no. That doesn't fly with me. Children need to ask permission. They don't inform parents of their plans. Especially when they are EIGHT YEARS OLD! What is that about???

Then there's the bossiness. Ordering people around... I will say something to the kids and here's my little red-headed parrot at my side repeating the orders I've just given. I have to turn to her and remind her that whatever I've just assigned applies to her too.

Tonight at the dinner table she got so mad at me because I had to remind her once again that I was the mom. She ate quietly for a few moments and then announced that she was going up to her room, packing her bags and calling her Nanna to come pick her up. She was moving to Nevada to live with her grandparents.

How can something so bossy come in such a cute, small package?

Moving Up

I am pretty pleased with myself at the moment! I haven't taken all of my finals yet, but I have found out that I have an A in my psychology class which has made me exempt from taking that final. I also found out my score in my Student Success class has also made me exempt from taking that final. So, that leaves me with my Sociology and History finals. I do have to take those finals next week, however my Sociology professor sent me an email yesterday informing me that I received 102 points out of 100 on my last test because of my scores on my essays! I am so excited that I can't stand it.

When I got pregnant with Ethan, I put my plans for school on hold. I tried to take classes on and off throughout the years, but being the mommy of so many little kids made it a little difficult to do that. So I had made the goal to try to return when Carter went into first grade. Well, Carter is in first grade and we all know the obstacles I've faced this year. I had decided to once again put my plans for school on hold. But last fall I went out to lunch with my grandmother who basically told me to buck up and just do it. So, I enrolled and did it.

I didn't have high expectations for myself. I was always a good student in high school but hey, let's face it... my mind isn't exactly a sponge anymore. However, to handle the kind of stress I've been under and to be able to still pull off A's, I feel really good about what I've accomplished! Let's hope I can keep the momentum going this summer and through the fall! Yay school!

BUT all this success in school means nothing if I fail as a mommy, so I'm taking a lot of credits this summer but most of my classes will be online. We ALL need to be moving up!

Rain

There is something about rain that I love. I adore thunder storms. When I was little, I used to be afraid of them. I was really close to my grandpa when I was a little girl. We all lived on the same property, so I grew up right next door to him. I remember crawling into his lap and burying my face in his flannel shirt. He would hold me and just say, "I'm right here." Later, when I was older and would be in the mountains with him and it would thunder and rain, his blue eyes would twinkle and he'd say, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" So, I love the rain.

The best thing about the rain is that everything is clean and colors are more vibrant. I was cleaning my kitchen today and looked out my window as I was doing dishes and noticed that my fence turned amazing shades of brown. The colors were so beautiful. And as I was driving around town today, blossoms were more pink, tulips were more red, daffodils were more yellow, grass was more green... everything was better.

This probably sounds all silly, but at this point in my life I needed rain today. It was soothing and healing. I told my friend today that it's time for me to start facing the world a little more. I'm not going to let the mistakes I've made dictate who I am. I've done what I need to do to take care of them and now it's time for me to move forward and start to forgive myself. I can't control when others forgive me, but I can control when I start to forgive.

I also can't control outside perceptions and gossip. I've known that all along, but to prevent it, I've been trying to fly under the radar. But frankly, I don't care. People would rather talk and speculate and accuse than ask real questions and I can't do anything about that. I feel good about where I am and where I'm headed. I have the support of people I love and that's all that matters. I've shut myself down quite a bit so it'll take some time to open back up (not that I was all that open to begin with...but hey, I can try!)

My priority are my children. Doug and I screwed up but we can still try to function as a unit and we're definitely trying. There are bumps in the road because there are obviously still a lot of hurt feelings. It's a process. There will always be people who will criticize me for my mistakes and him for his, but in reality those mistakes have been made and neither of us can take them back. Both of us are taking steps to do what we can to make it right. And now we're trying to make sure our kids don't suffer any more consequences.

I guess I just feel like the rain washed away the lingering fears and resentments and insecurities. I feel different tonight. I'm actually looking forward to my tomorrows.

30 Aspen Shoots and an Axe

Yesterday was a beautiful day... a day for yard work!! Eric and I totally tackled my yard. I had this dirty little secret on the side of my house... junk covered in vines. We got rid of all the junk and all the vines and mowed that sucker down! It was very therapeutic.

I know this sounds crazy, but one of our favorite places is the dump. Garrett, Carter and I love it! It's so awesome to take stuff off the truck and throw it on the mountain of garbage. It's cleansing for me, in a way. Just to get rid of all the junk!! LOVE IT!

In the middle of all the yard work, I was trying to get laundry done. Yay. And Eric had his kids to get settled after school. He came back over with his lawn mower to help me tackle the mowing. It was fun to get the lawn looking decent again. Both sides of the house were totally overgrown with aspen shoots, so while Eric was at his house I got my little hatchet and started chopping down the bigger ones and pulling out the roots. Let me tell you, it was awesome!! If you ever have any pent up aggression, get an axe and start cutting up some wood. It's a great work out (I'm sore as heck!) and you'll feel like a million bucks in the morning.

After we got all the work done, we burned the wood in my little outdoor fireplace. The boys love burning stuff and I like to indulge their pyromania in a controlled environment. Who am I kidding? Eric likes to burn stuff too! Ok, ok... so do I!

Next up on the list... my flower beds. Thanks to a certain little chihuahua.... lots of stuff is dead or on it's way.

I totally have to brag about Garrett. He is hilarious. He may be a little scatterbrained at times, but the kid has a sense of humor that more than makes up for it.

I've been having the kids read out loud every night, which is something most of them hate, but Garrett loves it and he is fantastic. He is totally into the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series. Last night he was reading one of them to me and he gets the voice inflection and the exclamation and all of that dead on. It's hilarious. He had me laughing out loud. Garrett reads at a 5th grade reading level which is awesome because he's a third grader. But he just LOVES to read. He will read for hours, laughing or getting mad at his books. He really gets into stories. He gets that from me. We can both read a book in a day or two. All my kids love books. Thank goodness!!

He also does these imitations of cartoons or TV shows that crack me up. My favorite is when he does accents, especially when he does the British one from Big Time Rush. Ask him sometime to do it for you. It's fabulous! I've got to get him into acting classes.

I love this picture that Doug's friend took. She totally captured Garrett's sense of humor. He is so dang cute!! You can't help but love him. He is always giving me hugs and cuddles. I just wanna kiss him all over, but he's 8.... a mother has to be careful with the love around here. Ha ha!