Alone

I usually do ok on my own. I'm not one to need people around me. I've never really needed a lot of validation from others. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's nice to hear that I'm a good mother or that my kids are amazing or that I'm pretty, but for the most part I have a pretty good self esteem. I've always been partial to being left alone. My parents always threw big parties and I would retreat into my room and hang out by myself. I enjoy company but I also enjoy solitude. I've never measured myself by how many friends I had or how many parties I could throw.

Lately I've been having a hard time with my solitude. I had some issues last night and today I just wanted to call someone for comfort and the only person I could think of was my mom but she is in England so I sat in my solitude and cried.

I realize that I'm difficult to get along with. I keep others at arm's length because it's easier than letting them in. I have friends whom I adore and I have a lot of acquaintances but no one whom I'd call to just sit with me. That's really all I wanted today was someone to just sit here while I cried it out. While I cried out all the physical pain, the worry, the guilt, the frustration, the fear, the overwhelming fear and did I mention the guilt?

I know I'm outspoken and people feel uncomfortable around me. I know I've created my own circumstances. It just doesn't feel very good right now.