Today is Sunday. I woke up with a headache which is a result of stress, major stress and grief. Three weeks ago we suffered a major loss in our family.
When I was growing up, we lived in Jackson Hole on a small ranch. My grandparents lived in the big house on the property. My family lived in a small house just a few yards away. My cousins, Josh, Scott and Nick lived across the creek. My aunt and cousin Jennifer lived in Utah, but Jennifer spent her summers in Jackson with us. We were more or less raised as siblings. Jennifer is 6 years older than me. Josh is a year old, Scott a year younger, James (my brother) is two years younger and Nick and Shay are 5 years younger. We were each other's best friends and playmates.
Jennifer is my idol. She is beautiful and strong and intelligent. She has suffered through a lot in her life and one day, she met her prince charming. They were kinda like a PG-13 version of the Brady Bunch. He had 2 boys, she had 2 girls. They lived happily ever after for 8 years.
Five days after Christmas, Matt died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism. He collapsed in his living room as he was getting ready to leave for work. Jennifer found him there. He was 40.
The last few weeks have been a blur of grief and anger. None of which I care to get into. So today, I woke up with a headache after dreaming of Matt. I don't really want to go to church. But as my wonderful husband was telling me that we could stay home I realized I want to go. But not for the reasons you'd think. I'm very angry right now, so I have yet to find comfort in the gospel. The comfort I'm seeking is in a small, autistic nine year old boy whom I teach in primary.
Over the last few weeks I have completely fallen in love with this kid. He will sit beside me, his legs crossed Indian style on his chair, with his little hand in mine. Or he will sit on my lap, usually with a hand in my hair. Every once in a while he'll briefly look at me, I don't know if he is seeing me but I see him and I can't help but kiss his little cheeks. I can't even explain how much this has helped in the way of healing. It's like somehow he has offered me hope. And I realized that I need it today.
Ya. But it still hurts.
1 year ago