Today is Sunday. I woke up with a headache which is a result of stress, major stress and grief. Three weeks ago we suffered a major loss in our family.
When I was growing up, we lived in Jackson Hole on a small ranch. My grandparents lived in the big house on the property. My family lived in a small house just a few yards away. My cousins, Josh, Scott and Nick lived across the creek. My aunt and cousin Jennifer lived in Utah, but Jennifer spent her summers in Jackson with us. We were more or less raised as siblings. Jennifer is 6 years older than me. Josh is a year old, Scott a year younger, James (my brother) is two years younger and Nick and Shay are 5 years younger. We were each other's best friends and playmates.
Jennifer is my idol. She is beautiful and strong and intelligent. She has suffered through a lot in her life and one day, she met her prince charming. They were kinda like a PG-13 version of the Brady Bunch. He had 2 boys, she had 2 girls. They lived happily ever after for 8 years.
Five days after Christmas, Matt died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism. He collapsed in his living room as he was getting ready to leave for work. Jennifer found him there. He was 40.
The last few weeks have been a blur of grief and anger. None of which I care to get into. So today, I woke up with a headache after dreaming of Matt. I don't really want to go to church. But as my wonderful husband was telling me that we could stay home I realized I want to go. But not for the reasons you'd think. I'm very angry right now, so I have yet to find comfort in the gospel. The comfort I'm seeking is in a small, autistic nine year old boy whom I teach in primary.
Over the last few weeks I have completely fallen in love with this kid. He will sit beside me, his legs crossed Indian style on his chair, with his little hand in mine. Or he will sit on my lap, usually with a hand in my hair. Every once in a while he'll briefly look at me, I don't know if he is seeing me but I see him and I can't help but kiss his little cheeks. I can't even explain how much this has helped in the way of healing. It's like somehow he has offered me hope. And I realized that I need it today.
Ya. But it still hurts.
1 year ago
4 comments:
Losing a 28 year old husband I do understand your anger and hurt. I also found my only true comfort from the Gospel when I was ready to open my heart to Heavenly Father. The 5 year anniversary of his death is just a few days away and it still hurts deeply. Loss is hard and confusing, but please know that the Savior has already felt this pain for you and can help you through it. That little boy is a gift in many people's lives. He makes life so much brighter. My love for him is also strong. Take comfort in him. He is close to our Heavenly Family and can fill our souls with love. I'm glad you get to see him today and I hope you can get through this hard time and come out stronger and with a better understanding of God's love. Probably not what you want to hear. I know, but it's true. Lovbe you and if you need to talk, vent or anything. I am here.
Ariane,
Words cannot express the love I feel in my heart for you. Brayden is such a gift. I need to remember that he is ours to share with others, and we can't just keep him to ourselves. He loves you very much. He is so close to our Father in Heaven and brings that closeness to all he comes in contact with. Thank you for reminding me.
I know Matt's loss has been very hard on you. I am still angry sometimes when I remember that Earl's mom won't be here to see her grandkids grow up. She was the young Grandma who was supposed to be here for them for a long time.
We are always here for you. Come and visit with Brayden any time you want!
Love always,
Teri
Oh Ariane I'm sorry. I'm not good at encouraging words but I hope you can feel a hug today from me to you! I hope you feel better soon!
Ariane I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Death frightens me. I don't want to feel the pain of losing a loved one. But I do know Ariane, that we don't see the big picture. Obviosuly there was work for him to do to be taken so fast. Put your trust in Heavenly Father, don't turn away from him. Maybe this a trial for you to see how you will handle it. I know its hard but soon the sting of death will be gone. This life is hard, so much sadness we have to endure but if we endure it well, what a reward we will have in heaven. you are great Ariane. I feel bad you have had to go through such a horrible thing but be strong, and pray for strength.
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