Today

I try not to post negative things.... but the last 10 days have been less than fun. It started when I did something to my back. I'm not sure what I did. We were playing around at Bridal Veil Falls and I slipped on a rock. It didn't hurt or anything. But on the walk down to the car, my back started to tighten up. We drove down to Canyon View park for a picnic and I could really feel some pain. I decided to lay down on the grass while the kids played. That was a BIG mistake!! The next thing I knew... I couldn't get up! It hurt so bad. And it was like that for about a week. It's still stiff but I can function.

To add to my fun, every single one of my children has been sick. Of course, they don't all get sick at the same time. They get sick one at a time. So one child or another or several have been home from school. Doug helped a little by taking the kids to his house for an extra night last week but I still had kids during the day and WOW!! My poor babies... they just hung out in my room, many times both of us ending up crying. It was pretty sad.

And to top it off, as much as I love fall, I HATE Halloween. And Ethan just added the cherry to my sundae today. He wanted to be an army guy for Halloween so we've been gathering things for his costume. I was supposed to take him to Uncle Sam's Army Navy Outdoor store this evening while Mckenzie was at dance but we passed Halloween USA. He HAD to go in. He found this Master Chief costume from Halo and wanted it so bad but it was $40!! There is no way I'm spending that kind of money on a cheaply made costume that has a mask that he can't even wear to school! I said no. He threw a fit. He called his dad. His dad said no. He threw an even bigger fit. Fun. I wanted to push him out of the car on the way home, but I didn't. And not just because there were witnesses... but because I do love the kid and I knew I would eventually feel bad.

It's very hard to come home at the end of a crappy day, put cranky kids to bed and sit alone in a quiet house. Usually I clean or something until I'm exhausted but tonight I'm just sitting here. I would cry but I can't. My friend lost her husband recently and I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. I made this choice to be alone. Her choice was made for her. So I shouldn't feel like this.

I am frustrated at the turn my life has taken. Or at the turn I've allowed it to take. Part of me would like to push the rewind button. But it's a small part. I've read my partriarchal blessing a hundred times over the past several months and I think that even though I made some mistakes and I veered off the course, I'll be ok. Everything happens for a reason and everything can be turned around for my good and for the good of my precious children. We'll be ok. We'll be better than ok.

I just keep thinking that I made it through another day and I still have 5 out of my 5 original children. I didn't have to replace any.