Scout Camp, Clear Creek, Sleepovers, OH MY!!

Ethan went to Clear Creek today. For those of you living outside of Utah Valley, it's like Teton Science School in Jackson or something similar to that. He went over night and was so excited and I was excited for him. We packed last night, talked about the things he was looking forward too, I made him two sandwiches for his lunch, and we argued about putting a clean pillow case on his pillow. I was fine. He is happy and so am I. Then I watched him walk into the school with his overnight stuff and I completely broke down.

We absolutely do not do sleep overs. I can't stand it. I'm more than happy to have hundreds of kiddos at my house, but I don't want my babies going somewhere else. They get to have sleep overs at their aunt and uncle's house, but that's about my limit. I've mentioned before that we do late overs, but again, that's my limit!!

When the kids first started staying over night with their dad after we separated, I had such a hard time. I didn't know what to do with myself. When Doug and I were married and we'd go on any overnighters without kids, I'd drive him up the wall. I really don't know how to function with out being a mommy 24/7. I've learned to mellow out and try to look at the kids' overnighters with their daddy as a break for me. Those overnights don't bother me as much because they're with their dad and most of the time he's responsible... (he is ALL the time. ) I still hate the empty house when they're gone. The first few hours of quiet are nice but after that, the quiet gets too loud.

No one, with the exception of Eric, saw me while Ethan was at scout camp over the summer. He only went for one night as well, but I was a super mess. I hated every minute he was gone! I worried that his scout leaders would be irresponsible or neglectful or the boys would be mean. Eric kept telling me that this was what growing up was about, having these adventures without parents. He reassured me that scout camp was part of his favorite memories so I calmed down a little. (not a lot) When Ethan got home, I saw how happy he was. I listened to all his stories. How could I have denied him of that. So I swore to be more mellow about these things.

BIG FAT HA!!

I'm trying to go to sleep and I miss him so much! His bed is empty, we had a lot of dinner left over tonight, and we didn't get to talk to each other. I HATE IT!

He'll be back tomorrow. Doug and Eric keep making fun of me. If I hear "He'll be fine" one more time, I'm going to chase someone down with a wooden spoon.

Ethan is only 11. He may be taller than me, but he's only 11. To what degree do I let go?

Alone

I usually do ok on my own. I'm not one to need people around me. I've never really needed a lot of validation from others. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's nice to hear that I'm a good mother or that my kids are amazing or that I'm pretty, but for the most part I have a pretty good self esteem. I've always been partial to being left alone. My parents always threw big parties and I would retreat into my room and hang out by myself. I enjoy company but I also enjoy solitude. I've never measured myself by how many friends I had or how many parties I could throw.

Lately I've been having a hard time with my solitude. I had some issues last night and today I just wanted to call someone for comfort and the only person I could think of was my mom but she is in England so I sat in my solitude and cried.

I realize that I'm difficult to get along with. I keep others at arm's length because it's easier than letting them in. I have friends whom I adore and I have a lot of acquaintances but no one whom I'd call to just sit with me. That's really all I wanted today was someone to just sit here while I cried it out. While I cried out all the physical pain, the worry, the guilt, the frustration, the fear, the overwhelming fear and did I mention the guilt?

I know I'm outspoken and people feel uncomfortable around me. I know I've created my own circumstances. It just doesn't feel very good right now.