Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Rain

There is something about rain that I love. I adore thunder storms. When I was little, I used to be afraid of them. I was really close to my grandpa when I was a little girl. We all lived on the same property, so I grew up right next door to him. I remember crawling into his lap and burying my face in his flannel shirt. He would hold me and just say, "I'm right here." Later, when I was older and would be in the mountains with him and it would thunder and rain, his blue eyes would twinkle and he'd say, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" So, I love the rain.

The best thing about the rain is that everything is clean and colors are more vibrant. I was cleaning my kitchen today and looked out my window as I was doing dishes and noticed that my fence turned amazing shades of brown. The colors were so beautiful. And as I was driving around town today, blossoms were more pink, tulips were more red, daffodils were more yellow, grass was more green... everything was better.

This probably sounds all silly, but at this point in my life I needed rain today. It was soothing and healing. I told my friend today that it's time for me to start facing the world a little more. I'm not going to let the mistakes I've made dictate who I am. I've done what I need to do to take care of them and now it's time for me to move forward and start to forgive myself. I can't control when others forgive me, but I can control when I start to forgive.

I also can't control outside perceptions and gossip. I've known that all along, but to prevent it, I've been trying to fly under the radar. But frankly, I don't care. People would rather talk and speculate and accuse than ask real questions and I can't do anything about that. I feel good about where I am and where I'm headed. I have the support of people I love and that's all that matters. I've shut myself down quite a bit so it'll take some time to open back up (not that I was all that open to begin with...but hey, I can try!)

My priority are my children. Doug and I screwed up but we can still try to function as a unit and we're definitely trying. There are bumps in the road because there are obviously still a lot of hurt feelings. It's a process. There will always be people who will criticize me for my mistakes and him for his, but in reality those mistakes have been made and neither of us can take them back. Both of us are taking steps to do what we can to make it right. And now we're trying to make sure our kids don't suffer any more consequences.

I guess I just feel like the rain washed away the lingering fears and resentments and insecurities. I feel different tonight. I'm actually looking forward to my tomorrows.

5 comments:

Cyndi said...

I feel the same way about the rain. It was so beautiful today and I love how the colors pop out!

Abby said...

Well said. I love the rain, too. Naki and I would always open all the windows to smell it as much as possible. It truly is refreshing...

Neika Boulter said...

i always love reading your posts! You describe everything so well. I'm so sorry for your hurting and I hope you have many wonderful "tomorrows"

Teri said...

I love the rain! Especially if it makes my friend feel so good!! The smell, the colors, it was fabulous! And thanks again for checking up on Earl. You're great!

Krista said...

I loved this post. Well said!