At some point in this process, I was asked by my bishop if I could go back and make changes, would I? I answered him at the time that I would go back and change things, but not in the way he thought. I would have gone back four years ago and gone through this while the kids were younger.
I've thought about that a lot over the last few months. Tonight through some studying and meditation, if you want to call it that, I've come up with some different answers. There are times when I wish I could go back 11 years and make much, much different choices. But then I look at the 5 beautiful faces around my dinner table and know that I wouldn't do that. And if I could go back 4 years ago and stand my ground and do this when the kids were younger, I wouldn't have. I needed these 4 years to try. I had to know this is what was the best thing.
Tonight is a bad night. I really want my mom. I really want to just hand all this over to someone else and say "you feel it, I can't feel this anymore. It's too much."
Ya. But it still hurts.
1 year ago
4 comments:
You know we're here to help with what we can. We love you!
I know our situations are different. But I know where you are coming from. People have asked me if I had known I would have a child with special needs, would I have chosen not to. Every day has its new challenges, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Thanks to supportive friends and family (like you), I'm still sane.
Let me know what I can do for you!!!!
At some point doesn't everybody think those thoughts of having things different-
I know I have-
I love you- Hang in there & Email me!
I know I dont live around the corner, but you can still vent!
missya!
Oh Ariane. I love you so much! I get the whole concept about just not wanting to feel anymore because it is so overwhelmingly painful. But you are so strong! I know that you are gonna make it through this. Feeling sucks, but only because we equate all the yucky feelings we have with feeling in general. The good stuff feels great, and we wouldn't feel that without feeling in general. I'm rambling here, and probably saying stuff you already know, but I love you and want to help relieve your pain. Come over and chat ANYTIME!
Ariane, I don't know you enough to really feel comfortable giving you any advice but I do know a little about divorce. Divorce is such a hard thing. My husband's parents are divorced and I wish I could say that someday the pain will stop for you kids, but I know that it doesn't. I know that it something my husband still struggles with all of the time. I think that no matter what age it happened, it would be something that would be difficult for them. I don't know anything about what happened with you and Doug, but the fact that you tried for so long to make it work, speaks volumes to how much you really love and care about your children. I hope that soon you will feel the peace that comes from knowing you've done what you feel is best. Just keep loving those kids and doing your best and it will come.
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