Today it occurred to me, that predators we should fear where our children are concerned are not just those who physically abuse our babies, but those who emotionally and spiritually damage them. Those predators come in all shapes and sizes and claim to be Christians. They even come in our homes in their suits and ties with gospel messages and prayers they leave with our families. And yet, they do not practice what they preach. Those very people will actually lie to our children, hurt their feelings and send them home in tears. Those very people will be reasons why our children will not want to attend church or go to scouts or other activities. Those very people will plant seeds of doubt and anger in our children. Those people who are supposed to be members of our ward families, who we are supposed to turn to in our times of need and distress. Who should be helping us nurture these children and overcome these obstacles we face. I know I have done what I can to love the children in my ward. I have taught them in primary and welcomed them in my home and loved them as my own. I have shown them love and kindness. Sadly, that has not been returned to my babies.
I speak from experience when I say that words and actions can hurt young and tender feelings. I had church leaders say harsh and unkind things to me when I was young. Unwarranted things that I had such a struggle to overcome, even into my adulthood. One careless adult can derail a well intended youth, especially one that is hurting already.
We were placed in wards to support and uplift each other because no parent is perfect. I believe I am a good mother with good intentions and I think my kids are good kids. We are struggling right now, but I don't think my kids are acting out in unusual or destructive ways. However, if they feel abandoned by those they trust, they could. I feel my only option is to lock down even further to protect them the best way I know how. Lock out the bad and the careless. I already fear for them when they leave my home to go to school. I spend a lot of time at the school and on the phone with teachers. Now I'm worried when they go out to play with neighborhood friends because I obviously can't trust the adults in my neighborhood to make wise decisions in how they treat my babies. Will I be able to trust that they will be treated well in primary or will I have to follow them there as well?
I'm so disappointed right now. My children are my life. I love and value all children. How could anyone think to treat them badly?
10 comments:
I'm sorry you are so disappointed. I can honestly say, I know how you feel. We love your kids so much. Know that we are here for you no matter what. Love you!!!!!!!!
That is so hard. My husband had a bad experience when he was 13, and never went back to church again. Don't let other imperfect people keep you and your kids from feeling the spirit and being close to HF.
I miss you!
Amber
Yes, don't ever let others take you away from the Gospel. You and your precious babies need it now more than ever. I'm so sorry you have had this terrible experience. There are many who love you and want to support you, like me!! Love you. Hang in there and let us know what we can do!!
Just as we have the precious choice to be happy, taking offense is also a choice. The gospel of Christ is true and perfect. Unfortunately, humans aren't yet. It is better to feel sorry for the offender because their actions are often unintentional and unplanned. Likewise, such behavior is a result of hurt that the damaged person passes onto others because they don't know how to cope. This doesn't justify bad behavior, but understanding the 'why' behind the 'what' makes the forgiveness process easier and quicker. Thank you for being vulnerable and honest about this. I hope the matter in your ward gets resolved smoothly.
"Hanna," my children did not choose to be offended in this matter. Their feelings were hurt and my need to defend them was not unique or inappropriate. Their hurt will not be passed on because I will not allow it. I have soothed their hurt feelings and explained to them that sometimes adults don't always think like adults and should be forgiven for their mistakes. However, the offenders in this matter have no apologized to them and have thus planted seeds that I may not be able to reach and discard. I have chosen to post this experience so others will be more alert to needs of impressionable young hearts so as not to be the ones to damage young testimonies and scar young faith. No one wants to be "that guy who hurt me once." Don't you agree, Hanna?"
What happened??? Do I need to come down to utah with my boxing gloves on!
I feel the need to make it very well known that despite the hurt stemming from this experience, and the affirmation that people in the church are indeed stupid, my testimony and my faith are intact. I will always defend my Savior and my church. I will not, however, defend those who hurt my children and hide behind the words "you chose to be offended."
Sweetie, I had no idea any of this was going on. Of course I don’t really know what it’s about, and I won’t pry. But I just wanted to ask if the person has been given the chance to apologize. What I mean is, does the offending party know they are the offending party? Because maybe this person belongs to the same club as me—that is the “group of well-meaning individuals who say stupid things all the time without realizing it.” I know I have hurt feelings over the years because I can’t think on my feet, so I put words together in ways that end up sounding all wrong. You may have done this already, but D&C tells us that when we are offended, we should bring it to the attention of the offender, and I find a lot of wisdom in this because even though it is really awkward and embarrassing for me to find out I have hurt someone, once I am over the initial shock, I can repent, make amends where possible, and move forward with increased sensitivity. Anyway, you know I love you, and even though you know I’m not good with kids, I do love your kids too, and I know that if you stick together and stick to the Savior, you will all come through this trial with amazing new strength you never knew was inside of you.
Dear Ariane,
I hope that it wasn't something I said or did! Sometimes, when I am trying to be helpful or supportive, I inadvertantly say the wrong things. I love Chase and Garrett and would feel horrible if they stopped coming to Scouts! Please let me know if it was me, so I can apologize! I also know that Jason loves the triplets like crazy! He misses them when they don't come to primary and worries about them.
Please let us know if there is anything we can do.
Sincerely, Kjrsten
I happened to stumble across your blog...sorry to jump in however reading your post brought a ton of emotions..please feel free to delete my post if you feel my posting is inappropriate.
I am a 36 year male that was not born into the church (joined at the age of 11).. I am a victim of what you wrote about not just from the adults but from their kids as well. When I was 15 I was ran over by a car load of older kids from the ward and was told to get out of the church..
When I went to the bishop and my parents they did nothing about it so needless to say to I dropped out the church and moved out of my Mom's house at of 16.
The saga did not end once I grew up or had my own family
I now have 4 kids (all boys)and despite everything that happened I still had great memory of the churches youth program and wanted the same for my boys. So while living in Las Vegas a few years back my wife and decided to have our boys attended a few services and the scout program. Since I am a Eagle Scout I was asked to to be the Cub Master..all was going great till my 4th son was about to be delivered and my wife started to have complications and put on bed rest. I let the bishop know that I was going to have to take care of my wife so I need to take a short break form leading the scouts.
Once my son was born my sons and I were ready to to start going to scouts again. We showed up at the start time ..a bit early so that that I could set up and get caught up. well the start time came and went and no one showed up. I started calling around and soon found out that the ward was split up into a couple more wards..I was never contacted of the change by the bishop or any of the leadership (EVER).
So at that point I decided that I would not subject my kids to the same hatred I went though due to not being born into the church.
I hope your able to work things out and keep your kids guarded from hate crimes.
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