It's not a shock, I'm sure, for anyone to hear that divorce sucks. I have days when I think I am completely fine and then I'll be in a store, or the bank, or at the kids' school and it hits me so hard that my family, as I knew it, is over and I can hardly breathe. What makes it worse is that I made the choice to end it. I tend to forget what I'm doing. Usually standing in an aisle or staring at a child. I snap back and collect myself and force myself to move forward.
People keep telling me I can't keep holding in my sadness. Honestly, I don't think I deserve to be sad. I did this. So I've started giving myself about an hour every night after the kids go to bed to cry and be sad. And then I pull it together. It doesn't matter how sad I am. My kids are more sad. And I have to show them that I can still create a happy and safe home for them. And that even though their dad is not living here, we can still be a family. A different kind of family, but a family nonetheless. We don't love them any less. This had to be done to stop the fighting.
It also doesn't matter how sad I am because I have to get up in the morning. I can't fade away no matter how much I wish I could disappear sometimes. It's so hard not to fade away when my kids are away for the weekend. Believe me, I desperately want to fade. But the sun still rises every morning and I force myself to get up and go about my business.
I may not want it to, but the sun still rises and I am so thankful for that.
Ya. But it still hurts.
1 year ago
7 comments:
Ariane
You absolutely have the right to be sad. Divorce still requires mourning. I like that you give yourself time to be sad- you need it!
Your post reminds me of the general conference talk that Pres. Wirthlin gave in Oct. 2006 called "Sunday will Come". Your Sunday will come!
sorry- Elder Wirthlin, not Pres. :)
Doing the best with what we've got is all we can do. I'm sorry for your hurt. If you are rising with the sun, you are doing wonderfully. Hang in there. I love you!
It makes to hurt for you, to hear that what your going through.
You DO have to keep going on because of your kids but I think it's good to allow yourself to be sad every now and then. Just like you would if someone you loved died. It's kind of the same thing.
I know you'll get through this and you'll end up an even stronger woman!
Remember how much we love you. I'm so glad that you are remembering to rise with the sun but also give yourself time to be sad. Just because you were able to take part in making this decision to change something about your family, don't think you can't be sad and mourn this big difference in your life. We love you and your family SOOO much. PLEASE let us know if there's anything we can do for you!
Hey...
I am so sorry to hear about your pain...I watched my parents go through it and you were there for me as I struggled as a child of divorce to figure out how I felt...I thank God every day that I have great friends that I can lean on when I need a shoulder. I am offering my shoulder for you...we need to get together...
I asked my husband, "what do I say to her to help?" The only thing I could think was this:
As a child of divorce that lived through the most eye openning experience of my life I can now say that I would rather have happy divorced parents than unhappy married parents.
I love you so much and the first thing I thought of after reading your post was pulling up to your house in a taxi after I just thought I couldn't take it any more...You paid for the fare and I collapsed in your arms scared and mad and unsure...it was you from whom I drew strength...
We really need to talk...
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