Change

These past few months have been, well, in a nutshell, hell. Sorry to offend anyone out there with sensitivities to profanity, but seriously, I don't know how else to describe it. It's been an emotional drain. But it's also been something else, a learning process.

I've had to learn to live alone. I've had to learn to parent alone. I've had to learn to be more forgiving. I've had to learn to be more patient. I've had to learn to be more self-sufficient and self-reliant. I've had to learn a lot.

None of it has been easy. And I've kept to myself a lot. In fact, in an email from my bishop, he told me that someone had told him they tried to befriend me and I didn't reciprocate. I don't know who that was, but to whomever it was, I apologize. It wasn't because I don't want a friend, it's because these last few months, it's pretty much been all I could do to just hang on. And frankly, the last thing I've wanted to do was talk about what happened and I assumed that's all anyone wanted to discuss.

Anyway... in my sociology class, a quote caught my eye about attitude. It said something to the effect that a positive attitude was the only thing we could control in our circumstances. Obviously, we can control the choices we make and thus, the consequences that follow, but sometimes bad stuff just happens. In those situations, it's our attitude that we have to depend on. What can I gain from this experience? What can I learn? Where do I go from here?

Something else I learned is that adversity is necessary for growth. All Mormons know that from Alma. We wouldn't know the sweet if we didn't experience bitter. We wouldn't know exquisite joy if we didn't experience exquisite pain. Those things don't happen without conflict or adversity. It sucks, but it's true. Do I like that? No. However, as awful as the last few months have been, I can either decide to exercise it as a muscle and use it for my good or I can let it sit and fester and become flabby and bitter. Again, Alma also said that the Lord will turn everything around for our good. Even a divorce.

It's all about the silver lining, folks. I think these accumulated experiences from my divorce have made me more of a realist than an optimist, but I still look for the silver lining in situations. I can't stand to remain stagnant in my misery. I have to get past this. And most of all, I have to show my children that it's possible to pick one's self up by one's boot straps or to cowboy up or to get back in the saddle or whatever.

My biggest change occurred when I walked into my first class at UVU. I swear to you that school is like my church. It's almost like a spiritual experience for me. Maybe like sex or a drug. It's addictive, like a high. It's definitely a stimulant. I love it so much and it's opened up parts of me that I forgot about. Hey... I am smart! Hey... I can have an intelligent conversation! Hey... I can talk about more than bodily functions and who needs to stop hitting who! It's brought me out of that black fog of despair and anger and self loathing. It's motivated me to be better. I feel like I'm a better mother for sure and a better daughter and sister. I'm at least trying harder to be those things. And I'm working on the friend part.

Back to the friend thing... Going through something as humiliating as a divorce, or this divorce, is so other worldly. There's no other way to describe it. And for someone like me, who is a little more on the private side when it comes to certain things, this has been absolutely mortifying. So talking to others isn't exactly high on my priority list. It isn't that I stopped loving my friends. I just need some time to sort out how I'm feeling. So much has changed with our little family and I'm trying to figure out how it all works.