Plan B

Never in a million years did I think that I would find myself here, alone with five kids, struggling with my testimony and basically starting over with everything. But I am. For awhile I had such anxiety about it, like there was something wrong with me. I'd wake up some mornings and think that I was such a failure because my plans for myself had fallen by the wayside.

Here is something I've discovered. You cannot fit a square peg in a round hole. It's common sense. Everyone knows this. Yet some of us go most of our lives trying to do this. I have spent the better part of my life trying to figure out how to be someone I am not. I am not meek. I will not be quiet. I cannot sit by the sidelines and do nothing. I cannot pretend that something is ok when it's not. I have tried that for years and I am not ok doing it anymore. I can't feel something I don't feel. I can't be someone I'm not. I put forth that effort. I did it for my kids. I did it for my parents. I did it for Doug. I did it for the church. I did it for the two pieces of paper, one that said I was married till death and the one that said I was married for eternity. And I emphasize again that I did it for my kids. And for all these reasons, I had to stop.

So what about Plan A? What about my temple marriage and my eternal family? What about my happy life? What about it all? I was baking one day during Christmas, putting together one of my kids' favorite cakes. I make it from scratch and it's moist and gooey and we all love it. I messed up part of it and had to throw it out and start over. And it hit me, I can start from scratch. Or rather, my kids and I can start from scratch. As I mentioned in my last post, I've had to learn to do a lot of things and I'm re-learning many things about myself and rediscovering things about myself that I forgot about. Things that I actually like.

My mom sent me a poem in the mail the other day called Plan B that is so perfect, I had to post it.

Plan B
by Suzy Toronto

Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where everything
Works out to be happily ever-after.
But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out verson,
Where nothing goes as it should.
It's at this point that the real test
Of my character comes in....
Do I sink, or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self-pity and play the victim
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine....
Life is about how you handle Plan B.

In my Student Success class we've been discussing being a victim or a creator of circumstance. I choose to not be a victim. I choose to be a creator of my circumstances. To make wise decisions and to move forward with a happy life for my kids and myself. At the moment, their happiness is the priority. I need to make sure that their childhood is happy and safe and that their environment is conducive to those things. I have to provide that so I need to make sure that I'm happy too. A victim can't be happy. Victims are never happy. And I look at being their mother as a "get to" not a "have to."